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**lost**
Junior Member

since 2001-07-16

Posts 32
ma

0 posted 2001-07-20 04:03 PM

nature's battle

a bleeding sun,

the sun sinks beneath the horizon,
meets with the roar of the ocean.

conflict arises,
the ocean cools the heat,
the sun warms the water.

as the steam disperses,
and the chaos withdraws,
the battle subsides,
and a state of Eden returns.

confused among strangers,
lost amongst myself.
**lost**

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2001-07-20 04:05 PM

Interesting images..and sunsets could well be described this way... although I am not sure night time is Eden..

Like the images..and enjoyed the read

Snow

Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 1170
desert flower looking for rain

2 posted 2001-07-20 04:08 PM

interesting images indeed.
this is one i'll be pondering
on for a bit.
thank you!

snow

"Trace my body with your words
and in doing so, you touch my heart"
Snow

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite

since 2001-06-21

Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...

3 posted 2001-07-21 11:14 AM

The yin & yang of Life and self... Unique thoughts, Joline...

-MVS

"When you tell the Truth, you never have to remember what you just said."
--Del Casher

Great Below
Junior Member

since 2001-07-17

Posts 13
Massachusetts, USA

4 posted 2001-07-22 04:43 PM

I like the idea but maybe if you could present both the sun and the ocean at once. Sort of introduce them as you did with the bleeding sun in the beginning. A line such as the roar of the ocean could be moved up and then a balance could be created. Setting a tone and flow for the poem, just a suggestion but good ideas and images. The only line i feel could be left out is conflict arises, by the nature of the situation I already figured that part out for myself and it doesn't add much to the meaning.

Suetang
Member Ascendant

since 2001-03-07

Posts 5187
Melbourne, Australia

5 posted 2001-07-22 06:14 PM

What a stunning piece of imagery you created with this piece, I loved every word. Welcome to Passions and I hope to read more of your work. Take care......Sue

Suetang

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

6 posted 2001-07-22 06:22 PM

**Lost**,
Strong impressions.

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