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Mishtheelf
Member

since 2001-07-10

Posts 68

0 posted 2001-07-19 05:09 PM

This is really more of an experiment than anything. I've never been very talented at melodies and rhyme, but I'm trying to work on it a bit. See what you think

~~~~~

It's an old, familiar feeling
Welling up inside.
A great, swollen emptiness
I've endeavored to hide.
It was missing for some time, it seemed,
But now it has returned --
That overwhelming nothingness
My lonely heart has learned.

[This message has been edited by Mishtheelf (edited 07-19-2001).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2001-07-19 05:12 PM

interesting work... I did stumble on thelast two lines as far as the flow ent, but that may well be me and not the poem..

sounds like it could be sung to me...

I enjoyed!

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite

since 2001-06-21

Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...

2 posted 2001-07-19 05:18 PM

I like it, but I'm with Ron regarding the second-to-last line, specifically -- it feels a little too dramatic relative to the rest of the context of the verse, and its flow is a little forced (my opinion only). Perhaps another way to phrase the same intent...?

-MVS

"When you tell the Truth, you never have to remember what you just said."
--Del Casher

Mishtheelf
Member

since 2001-07-10

Posts 68

3 posted 2001-07-19 05:25 PM

Thanks a lot for the feedback guys, I need all the help I can get! I changed it up a bit, so maybe if you look back you can tell me if it sounds a bit smoother now.

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite

since 2001-06-21

Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...

4 posted 2001-07-19 05:25 PM

Bravo on the edit! Now for this, I could write a melody. Flows with feeling, and that's what you want when putting voice to music. Good job.

-MVS

"When you tell the Truth, you never have to remember what you just said."
--Del Casher

Mishtheelf
Member

since 2001-07-10

Posts 68

5 posted 2001-07-19 05:28 PM

Thanks Mark! I appreciate the help!

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

6 posted 2001-07-19 05:28 PM

yes.. the edit is great!!! much smoother and like Mark the last two lines now fit the rest of the verse!!

Mishtheelf
Member

since 2001-07-10

Posts 68

7 posted 2001-07-19 05:34 PM

Thank you too Ron hehe LOVE this fast feedback

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

8 posted 2001-07-20 02:47 AM

Gidday Mish.. I found you!!

Hey this is great.. a read I can identify with, though when describing this I always tended to make my poetry too long, and it lost a lot of impact. I like this a lot.

“One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..”

Saunni
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 1777
West Virginia

9 posted 2001-07-20 02:51 AM

I think it's perfect! Great write.

Sauni

Sauni :)
Have you ever known the color grey when the nighttime finds you weak
I have, I've walked that road each time; that's where my angel sleeps

wayoutwalt
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)

10 posted 2001-07-20 02:53 AM

really cool write i encourage yuh to write on

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