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Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

0 posted 2001-08-27 01:30 AM

The quiet waves roll to shore,
Playing as it seems.
All things are peaceful,
At night when he dreams.

His typical dreams
     Of love and romance
On shimmering oceans
His love and he dance.

Driven from slumber,
By house ever quaking.
Barking and screaming,
Bones blatantly    breaking.

Followed by silence,
A silhouette grave.
To flicker    and fade,
Simple things     to crave.

Doors slam  cars start,
Headlights fade away.
The house is like a siren,
No longer can he stay.

Ties his shoes through tears of rage,
And stalks out of the door.
Jogging to his place of dreams,
The soothing    empty shore.

comment(<---wow...i'm making a habit out of this*L*)
Anyway...i realize that the last 2 lines in the 2nd stanza aren't very clear...most ppl think that it's out of rhythme, BUT it's not. It jsut needs to be read a certain way(one of those annoying little things that only the author gets(most of the time). It's also bad english...i know...it's intentional. i had to make it fit, but i couldn't let it seem too forced...so throw what ya got at me...

" How can i feel if i can't breathe...?"
- Godsmack

allie
Member

since 2001-07-09

Posts 218
Australia

1 posted 2001-08-27 06:27 AM

i like the chaos in the middle of this poem... was that mmeant to be there or did i make that up?

Anyway good contrast!! lol... liked it a lot~

ALLIE

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

2 posted 2001-08-27 07:00 PM

Hey Kaos! I'm gonna do a little scapal work...run while you still can. oO;

"The quiet waves roll to shore,
Playing as it seems.
All things are peaceful,
At night when he dreams."
Nice imagery and personifications, a serene mood set at the beginning. The flow was a bit disrupted here, though. I think you're missing syllables in the third line and one on the last line.

"His typical dreams
Of love and romance
On shimmering oceans
His love and he dance."
Third line, beautiful. Last line, is it really "he dance"? You might want to chang it to "his dance"...

"Driven from slumber,
By house ever quaking.
Barking and screaming,
Bones blatantly breaking."
A good sudden change of mood. The flow was great here.

"Followed by silence,
A silhouette grave.
To flicker and fade,
Simple things to crave."
Suspenseful...yet another mood well brought out. Last line is missing a syllable. The second line didn't work very well...I think you changed the meter...

"Doors slam cars start,
Headlights fade away.
The house is like a siren,
No longer can he stay."
You changed the meter again...

Very realistic imagery.

"Ties his shoes through tears of rage,
And stalks out of the door.
Jogging to his place of dreams,
The soothing empty shore."
The first line is a bit too long...if you could somehow reword it, it'd be all right. The second line is slightly choppy...maybe "And stalks towards the door" might work...
The last two lines are great. A nice way to end off the poem.

Overall, you did a good job, but I have seen better from you. I think all this piece needs is a little meter work. After that, you'll be fine.

You continue to write wonderful poetry, don't stop writing, pip will always need poets such as yourself! Until your next post.

°L.§.W.°

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

Poet Unknown
Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 140
Missouri

3 posted 2001-08-27 08:30 PM

whoa that was intense you can visualize all that happening good job

Only darkness falls on those without souls

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

4 posted 2001-08-27 10:57 PM

oooooh!! that was excellent!!!..i LOVE this one lots!!...you did a WONDERFUL job on this one..simply amazing !!!
in the library it goes !!!

Piece you life together and you WILL find holes.

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

5 posted 2001-09-01 02:16 PM

No Leah, it's not HIS dance. ( I thought that at first too...)
Isn't it his love AND HE...dance. His love and he are a pair...and they dance. "Nancy and Bob dance." Am I right, Michael?

Anyway, I liked this...Loved the sudden mood change in it and the description of it all was very realistic. Loved it.

You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.

Kaos
Member

since 2001-08-02

Posts 317
between space and time

6 posted 2001-09-04 01:07 PM

Spice nailed the whole mystery of that section about the dance...Thanx for all the comments tho...all the ideas and stuf really gave me a bit to think about...

" How can i feel if i can't breathe...?"
- Godsmack

"If who i am is what i have, and what i have is lost...then who am i?"
-unknown

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

7 posted 2002-04-11 08:40 AM

*bumpity bump*

The feeling of Sleepiness when you're not in bed, and can't get there, is the meanest feeling in the world.-- Edgar Waston Howe

mistic
Member

since 2001-05-06

Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.