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the_rescue
Member

since 2001-05-23

Posts 316
Japan

0 posted 2001-06-28 03:36 PM

Stillness
lifeless child
darkness
a life defiled

silent screams
unheard but seen
derranged dreams
suck the womb clean

crying mother
deadly decision
why bother
blind vision

dead child cries
mother haunted
spirit dies
flesh taunted

I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say

TopGunLauren
Senior Member

since 2000-08-02

Posts 718
California

1 posted 2001-06-28 03:38 PM

I really like this poem keep up the awsome work and I hope to read more like this one.
Lauren

keoni
Senior Member

since 2000-10-16

Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC

2 posted 2001-06-28 04:47 PM

This was badass! I liked this one alot rescue. Really powerful!
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine
"Only God can judge me" Tupac Shakur

FoxXena
Member

since 2001-06-13

Posts 141
where dragons play, children run free and foxes are never hunted

3 posted 2001-06-28 04:56 PM

great work. Theme is anti-abortion right?

~*~It is said that laughter is the shortest distance between two people...~*~
~*~I say it is the written word.~*~

scout
Member

since 2001-06-16

Posts 175
no place owns me

4 posted 2001-06-28 07:26 PM

first time i read this i was confused, i think i get the idea now (and since now i do) i like it...

xscoutx
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears."-Eze.24:16

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-06-28 08:59 PM

Nice work! I really liked this poem. The flow was overall very good, broken in a few places, but nothing too serious. The rhyme scheme was creative... the short lines seem to work very well for your writing. The first stanza was my favorite, I really liked the way you put the first and third lines as one word.
Good job! I enjoyed this bunches!

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

6 posted 2001-06-29 12:36 PM

deep...this was powerful!...such a realistic poem...i love dthe way you protrayed it...awesome job!...bye..

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

7 posted 2001-06-29 07:36 AM

Jeez..the power behind this is like being slapped in the face. Your short lines really make all the difference. If they are shorter you have to take notice of them and receive the full effect.

WOW...thank you.

~AF~

Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!!

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

8 posted 2001-06-29 07:40 AM

Hey,

I am putting this in my library, the flow, format, and power of it all was superbly done. You have created a masterpeice, I love it. Until your next poem

-- Linc

       "Blood Moon"
   Host: Lark.crodo.com
         Port:1313

the_rescue
Member

since 2001-05-23

Posts 316
Japan

9 posted 2001-06-29 09:09 AM

THANX guys I'm trying to learn this shorter stuff it does seem more effective and i am liking it lol. anyway thnx for the critiques and encouragement and such

I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

10 posted 2001-06-29 05:08 PM

I agree...The short lines do make a bigger impact. Much stronger. And although I don't agree with the message of the poem- It's still a great poem none-the-less. Very well written. Very Strong. You should be proud. Keep posting!

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

11 posted 2001-06-29 06:43 PM

wow...this one was incredibly powerful, it made me shiver. thanks for the read rescue, tis goin in my library.
-fear-

emotions are like evil serpents that coil around your mind---me "i cannot save you, i can't even save myself"--stabbing westward

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

12 posted 2001-06-29 09:58 PM

I really liked this one. It was very deep to me and I like that in a poem. Very well done here.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Dr. Jo-Bizz
Member

since 2001-06-06

Posts 97

13 posted 2001-06-29 10:18 PM

whoa! good job jimmy. i love this. its amazing

dr. jo-bizz

But His word was in my heart
like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
I was weary of holding back,
And I could not.

DarkAngelOfTheStars
Member

since 2001-04-21

Posts 255

14 posted 2001-06-30 05:47 PM

i liked this a lot

good job

story of my life: I am so self destructive, I turn solutions into problems. Everything i thouch i ruin. Im midas in reverse

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

15 posted 2001-07-01 06:57 PM

I loved the read a lot. You did really good. Thanks for sharing

hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

16 posted 2001-07-03 02:58 AM

jimmAy! this gave me chill bumps.
tis just.. wooooo tis great!
very good job hun!
tiff

“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

I know Im not perfect but I can smile
& I hope that you c this heart behind my tired eyes

Elvenblood
Member

since 2001-02-17

Posts 409
Maine, USA

17 posted 2001-07-03 02:45 PM

Wow...that is powerful. You really clearly define your idea, it's descriptive, but leaves enough to make each person make it his or her own view. It's like giving someone an ambiguous quote and telling them to define it's meaning. Great work!

No angels in heaven nor demons below the sea, could ever dissever my soul from the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

18 posted 2001-07-10 11:06 AM

Dark and powerful....i liked it!!!

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

19 posted 2001-07-10 11:52 AM

This poem was amazing. The shorter lines make it all more powerful. Thanks for the great read!

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

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