The Life Of Fantasy, The Dream Of Reality (repost from teen 4)

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Low Man's Lyric
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 236
In a dream

0 posted 2001-06-27 10:45 PM

The Life Of Fantasy, The Dream Of Reality

Is this life or fantasy
I will never know
I'll escape reality
and hide away in sorrow

Nearing the end of this dream
I don't want to die
I'll wake up and scream
and maybe I'll cry

I have thrown it all away
and my heart is in pain
here is where I lay
on top my bed, slain

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
~Steven Wright

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-06-28 12:29 PM

as i really liekd thsi one the first time...its nice to read it again

...glad taht you decided to repost it...bye

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2001-06-28 12:30 PM

I like, I like!

Rhonda

"Amy, can you PLEASE come to Spain with us so that we have someone to keep Rhonda calm?" - Mr. Ardiel *insert hysterical laughter from me here*

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-06-28 12:51 PM

This is very good, Aaron.  The title caught me eye... The contrast in those two ideas were very creative as a title.
The flow throughout this piece is good, although somewhat inconsistant.  The first stanza flows very well, the rhyme scheme and meter is excellent.  The second staza's flow is still good, although there's something... I can't quite put my finger on it... but there's something that could change to make it even better.  Perhaps taking something out of the first line, or putting something in the last?  Hrm, I'm not quite sure what to suggest here.  The last stanza is still pretty good, although not as good as the first two.
Just a suggestion or two.
I did enjoy this.  You wrote this nicely.  I think you could expand on the idea a little... add more.  I would love to see what you've done with it if you do that.  Nice work!  You did a nice job

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

4 posted 2001-06-28 12:57 PM

the last stanza really got to me here. heavy duty.

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Low Man's Lyric
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 236
In a dream

5 posted 2001-06-28 02:12 AM

Yeah I know what you mean Marie, I was think about this instead for the second stanza;

In the end of this dream
I know I will die
Instead I'll wake up and scream
and maybe I'll cry

Tell me what you think, if you can give me any more suggestions I would like to hear them.

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
~Steven Wright

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

6 posted 2001-06-28 02:34 AM

I like what you did with that second stanza, Aaron. I like it better the revised way. It flowed a little better than before. Nice work

I'm glad to see you took my suggestion. I look forward to reading more from you, hopefully soon

Well done.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

7 posted 2001-06-29 03:10 AM

I liked this one LML.....I've read it before

Very well done. The ending is not what I expexted but puts a great effect. Very sad ending.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

8 posted 2001-06-29 08:12 AM

"I have thrown it all away
and my heart is in pain
here is where I lay
on top my bed, slain"

Yup, can relate to that very well. Not your best but still, it did something to my head.

Thanks for the read.

~AF~

Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!!

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

9 posted 2001-06-29 03:17 PM

This was great I thought. The flow was pretty good, but I really liked the message in the poem. It was a really good topic for a poem. You could probably expand on it if you wanted to, but its great like it is.

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

10 posted 2001-06-30 11:10 PM

I liked the read
short but very meaningful post
great job and keep it up
keep sharing

hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

11 posted 2001-07-05 02:15 AM

I liked this alot.
Very meaningful.
Nice read.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

12 posted 2001-07-05 10:50 AM

Great work LML, I really liked this and I absoloutely adore the title...
Zu

Low Man's Lyric
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 236
In a dream

13 posted 2001-07-05 09:59 PM

Thanks everyone.

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
~Steven Wright

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

14 posted 2001-08-12 02:25 AM

I did enjoy this poem quite a bit- im not sure if i read it the first time, but this time round i have to say that i did enjoy it a lot! i loved the second stanza here. well done!!! keep em flowing aaron!

period pain is HELL!

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