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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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MoeRocko Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 166West Virginia |
Down the street you can hear her scream "You're a disgrace!" as she slams the door in his drunken face And now he stands outside and all the neighbors start to gossip and drool He cries "Oh girl, you must be mad, what happened to the sweet love you and me had!" Against the door he leans and starts a scene His tears fall and burn in garden green. An Indian brave, who before he was ten played war games in the woods with his Indian friends, and he built a dream that when he grew up he would be a fearless warrior Indian cheif. Many moons passed and more the dream grew stronger until tomorrow he would sing his war song and fight his first battle But something went wrong, suprise attack killed him in his sleep that night. There was a young girl who's heart was afrown She was crippled for life and couldn't speak a sound She wished and prayed she could stop living So she decided to die She drew a wheelchair to the edge of the shore To her legs she smiled "You won't hurt me anymore" But a site she'd never seen made her jump and say "Look, a golden winged ship is passing my way!" But it really didn't have to stop, it just kept on going... If there's a such thing as a Genius, then I'm one. If there's no such thing then I don't care... ~John Lennon |
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| © Copyright 2001 Ewok Enterprise - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TopGunLauren Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718California |
Great poem keep up the awsome work! Lauren |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Jee...so powerful and upsetting. It's so sad that it had to come to that in the end. The imagery was really good. Thanks for the read.  ~AF~ Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. |
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DarkenedShadow Member
since 2001-07-23
Posts 114Kansas |
Heyman strength in words, words are power. Keep up the power and the words will be stronger still. /Nick/ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Nicely done here. I'm guessing she didn't die.....the sight of the ship saved heR? The ending confused me. Can you elaborate?  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
wow, that was amazing... mostly the line saying "you wont hurt me anymore" I have a sister in a wheelchair, so i can imagine her pain... you made this a thrilling read, THankyou ALLIE |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I definitely think that you could add more to this. The whole poem stopped very abruptly. I like the whole concept of the poem, but I think a little work could be done to make the context not so confusing... The ending is a start, but I think more could ba also added to each story. The flow of the poem from one story into another was more than choppy, and confusing at that. I didn't really understand the significance of one into another. I like what you have going... a little more work, and you could have something really good here! Nicely done, Ewok. Thanks for sharing. --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
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MoeRocko Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 166West Virginia |
I'm not adding anything to this , I never do this stuff to you.....and have read any of my other poems? Obviously not.....most of them make no sense and come to an end.....it's my style and it's good. I'm proud of my style. I'm sorry you don't like variety, but then again it's not my problem.... If there's a such thing as a Genius, then I'm one. If there's no such thing then I don't care... ~John Lennon |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Moe, I'm realizing you have a CRITIQUE sign up and I would like to just kindly say that people will critique what they think about the poem openly. You should just accept that I'd also like to comment on the fact that I was interested in the poem and asked if you would be so kind as to elaborate on what you meant by the ending, but you didn't feel the need to comment on my interest, but rather on expressing your dislike to a person's comment. Anyhow, may I know what the ending meant Moe? I am still quite intrigued. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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MoeRocko Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 166West Virginia |
I wasn't expressing dislike. But I don't think theres anything "wrong" with what I write. If I want to add, I will. ~If theres anything to be said about this "poem", it would be......don't count on anything, live for today.... no elaborations needed on a poem that you can end by yourself... "Nothing will stop me, and whether I'm here or wherever I may be, I'll always have the same feelings, I'll say what I feel." ~Lennon |
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MoeRocko Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 166West Virginia |
AND....only the confused can be........ "Nothing will stop me, and whether I'm here or wherever I may be, I'll always have the same feelings, I'll say what I feel." ~Lennon |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Oh I agree Moe! I wouldn't change a poem for anything. I wing it once on a piece of paper and that is that for all of eternity, but regardless of anything people have their opinions about your and my poems. Some may be negative, but oh well, right? I still don't get yer ending, i guess I never will  |
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