Teen Poetry #5 |
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I need this (retry) |
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TearsOfPearls Member
since 1999-09-23
Posts 322Vereeniging, South-Africa ![]() |
Thanks for the pointers Fading Away, I went back and looked at it again, and this was what I did, though the third stanza still bothers me... I need a place somewhere far, away from here and this wild war of who is wrong and who is right, I won't take part in this fight. I need a place where I can rest and forget about this daily quest to make me fall, to let me know what I'm not, where to go. I found that place inside me head. to the outside world I may look dead, I'm just so tired of explaining myself to a world who cares about itself and wealth. I need to be here all alone. I need this place to stay my own. Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice! |
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© Copyright 2001 TearsOfPearls - All Rights Reserved | |||
Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. |
I liked this. I thought it was creative. Good Job ![]() *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* |
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Fading Away![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
It pleased me to see that you went back and fixed the poem here and there. The few changes that were made made a world of difference. VERY nicely done! The change in the first stanza from "and this daily war" to "and this wild war" was very good. The flow of the first stanza is much better. You say you don't like the third stanza... I don't see why. The meter is very nice, and the flow isn't broken in the slightest, throughout the stanza. Nice work, Tears. Like I said, I really enjoyed this. I think it's a library piece ![]() --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 06-26-2001).] |
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Fading Away![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I have to remember to hit the button if I want it in my library! ![]() You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
hehe...she's like Peter...always forgetting...well, not always. ![]() Anyways, I still like this very much. Delivers a message. It makes me feel lucky that I live in a country where there are hardly any wars (other than the odd rampage they call strikes...hehe). Thank you. ![]() -Leah Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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Dopey Dope![]()
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked this one Tears......Very well written, but I don't remember reading another version so I have no base of comparison to say It's much better than the one prior. ANyhow, nicely done here. ![]() I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Acies![]()
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Tears, this is a really beautiful poem. You've explained your situation or feelings well and so clear. Hope things do get better for you. Thanks for the wonderful read, and keep sharing. hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Hey Tears! Great write! I personally liked the first stanza best. ![]() Anyway- Nicely done. *Bump* |
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Heavens Tears![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Great job Tears! I'm glad Marie compelled you to retry this, b/c it is wonderful. The only thing I noticed about that third stanza was the flow of the last line. It kinda stuck out. But the rest of the peice was wonderful. Retrying something like this really makes you a better poet, and this proves it! *Amanda* |
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anonymous albert ?![]()
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i liked it...wonderful job and the stanza turned out nicely...bye ![]() im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
Bravo.. Like you, I cannot understand why so many people base thier friendships and romantic relationships on material wealth and competition with others.. the world can appear to be a sad place if you know many people like this... but there are others like me out there who dont give a damn about all that crap!! hehe |
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