Echoes of a Stronger Rendition (Collaboration with Fading Away)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-06-26 02:15 AM

(this is Marie, teaching me how to free verse. See if you can tell in this poem, who's the teacher, and who's the apprentice.

)

"Echoes of a Stronger Rendition"

Save your sorrows until after dark
when the flowers nearly burst
with their own perfumes
and the sky is almost fluid,
like gray liquor.

curl upward your lips
to trap, in them, the falling rain
do not let it fall
as it plunges at your face
it fears you more than you do

your lips are covered with ashen lies,
but they still called you beautiful,
and the rest were only clans of
followers with
dirty fingernails and un-parted hair...

know that it will wait for you
even if your mind refrains
and your body wilts
although silver as it is
it touches you as its lover
and feels beneath your eyelids
your vision, tainted still
by the blur of greater weather

you have battle scars and bruises and
an offered smile that looks before it leaps…
but the sky has the omnipotence
of one thousand gods and
you're nothing but it's royal subject.
you've been through everything
and you've been there twice,
yet the clouds have finally broken
and you can see the sky-crystals again.
the light hurts
and everything is so creamy now…
all you can do is wait for the rain to fall.

with your hair a mess of underbrush
tangled, and silver-coated
knot-tied too tightly in the back
so that you cannot turn your head
but your desire compels your eyes forward
as your hand grasps next to you
your ether-clad escort
to step firmly with you, once more
into the beckoning fog blanket
and the defiant hue of light
that climbs ever slowly upward
to fall upon your shoulders

the_rescue
Member

since 2001-05-23

Posts 316
Japan

1 posted 2001-06-26 02:21 AM

good stuff I was the apprentice

you always learn something from another writer so either way we are all teachers and all apprentices

I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say

stace_co2003
Member

since 2001-03-30

Posts 497
In a dream world

2 posted 2001-06-26 07:49 AM

You two did an excellent job on this. I throughly enjoyed every second of it. thank you for sharing!!!!

-->Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
-->Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

3 posted 2001-06-26 09:02 AM

Great work you two, I enjoyed the read greatly

Andrew

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2001-06-26 07:05 PM

MEEP!! *shuts up*
Anyways...
I really enjoyed this. DO ANOTHER ONE DANGIT!
I thought the imagery was great here. I liked the curled lip thing. That was clever

Anyways...

TLMF,
Leah

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

LoneWolf
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 384
IL

5 posted 2001-06-26 08:26 PM

WOW. this was awesome. you two should do more together. i loved this. great job.

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
I've learned that even when you th

FoxXena
Member

since 2001-06-13

Posts 141
where dragons play, children run free and foxes are never hunted

6 posted 2001-06-26 08:28 PM

WOW!! GREAT POEM!! ME WANT MORE!!

~*~It is said that laughter is the shortest distance between two people...~*~
~*~I say it is the written word.~*~

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

7 posted 2001-06-26 09:17 PM

It was beautiful. But what were we all expecting from Allan and Marie?? We want more! We want more!!

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

8 posted 2001-06-26 09:24 PM

INCREDIBLE. This turned out so amazingly well!! I am interested to see who came up with exactly which lines, or how you two worked together. Great work, keep it coming!

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

9 posted 2001-06-26 09:56 PM

I uh, don't know who's the apprentice and who's the teacher (what is it, Star Wars night in here?) Awesome you two, I want more!!!

Course, this is coming from the person who always failed the poetry section on my English tests. I never did memorize all those poetry terms... I just write. Oops, maybe I shouldn't have told you guys that...
Rhonda

"Amy, can you PLEASE come to Spain with us so that we have someone to keep Rhonda calm?" - Mr. Ardiel *insert hysterical laughter from me here*

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

10 posted 2001-06-27 02:30 AM

I really loved the way you guys did this. I REALLY connected with it and it flowed so nicely. Just wonderful job, but I feel some more needs to added at the end? I don't know.
Anyhow....this was still a rockin poem. I really liked it you two.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Dr. Jo-Bizz
Member

since 2001-06-06

Posts 97

11 posted 2001-06-27 11:51 AM

that's cool. i liked it. rather surreal. the word imagery was amazing.

dr. jo-bizz

But His word was in my heart
like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
I was weary of holding back,
And I could not.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

12 posted 2001-06-28 01:09 AM

well...what can i say...this was awesome...two of my fav poets collb...i loved how you guys wrote this

...the imagery was amazing...bye Marie and Allan

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

13 posted 2001-06-29 02:08 AM

*speechless*

No words can describe how good this is. Well done you two, well done.

~AF~

Just because I hear voices doesn't mean I'm crazy...SHUT UP IN THERE!!!

scout
Member

since 2001-06-16

Posts 175
no place owns me

14 posted 2001-06-29 11:46 AM

Wasn't it John Donne who said "no man is an island" We are all influenced by others when we write. This was a very good poem, poets grow even more.

xscoutx
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears."-Eze.24:16

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

15 posted 2001-06-30 07:17 PM

I see Marie has taught you well.
Marie's guidance and your talent, what a great combination.
Awesome work and great read.
Hope to see more duets or collaboration from you both.  Keep it up

hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

[This message has been edited by acire (edited 06-30-2001).]

Melster
Member

since 2000-12-09

Posts 442
Brisbane, Qld, Australia

16 posted 2001-07-01 11:40 PM

Dearest Allan - Long Time Since I been here... Miss You all and I can't Stay... Be back one day to see you all again... I am At work..

This is as beautiful as ever Allan... Keep up the great Work and I will be back Again One Day!!

Miss You Greatly!!

Love Always Melster!!

You can't hurt me anymore than I have hurt myself already...

Linc

Senior Member

since 2001-03-07

Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy

17 posted 2001-07-02 07:31 PM

Hey,

Superb job Allan as always, expect nothing less from you though so

Until your next work

-- Linc

       "Blood Moon"
   Host: Lark.crodo.com
         Port:1313

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

18 posted 2001-07-02 07:45 PM

This was very good both of you.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

19 posted 2001-07-21 12:22 PM

Welp, I thought I'd bring this one back up...

Allan... *high five* YAY!! I'm still SO proud of you for free versing so well! hehe.. I think we did a great job, if I must say so myself

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It means a lot to me, and I know ti means a lot to Allan as well

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

--Marie

You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning.

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

20 posted 2001-07-21 02:29 AM

well that was impressive. i really like that style. nice job you two.

-JR

Chel
Senior Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 511
Baltimore, MD, USA

21 posted 2001-07-21 04:11 PM

Great piece you two. Hope to read more soon.

Chel

"True friends stab you in the front."
"You are special and unique in your own way." "Your FAITH is all you need"

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

22 posted 2001-07-22 01:30 PM

I'm late! (as usual)

You guys, this kicks major butt! Allan and free form? I never thought I'd see it, but I'm seeing it now and it's fantastic! I've never seen a collaboration with so much feeling. No, I can't tell who wrote which part, but you aren't supossed to!

Anyway, this is a great team effort, my friends. Thanks for sharing this token of your talent with us.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Starnite
Junior Member

since 2001-07-05

Posts 41
Wisconsin

23 posted 2001-07-23 10:55 AM

Wow i could tell who did what. I was great. I hope you two do more post together and alone.

**Sarah

DarkenedShadow
Member

since 2001-07-23

Posts 114
Kansas

24 posted 2001-07-23 11:43 AM

You guys are amazing, the duo is an excellent concept , keep it coming so i can keep complimenting.../Nick/

Alyssa

Member

since 2001-05-30

Posts 385
IM ENGAGED!!!!!

25 posted 2001-07-23 03:01 PM

WONDERFUL!!!!!!!
i really really like this!!!
write more!

"I have no never-again, I have no always"
Pablo Nerudo

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.