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Teen Poetry #5

Can't sleep

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

0 posted 2002-08-09 12:50 PM

Sleeps not coming tonight.
  Too much on my mind.
      what to do what to do.

Lay down maybe sleep will come.
  Here comes the nightmares.
      what to do what to do.

Whirling pools of black liquid.
   Demon spawn tormenting me.
       what to do what to do.

Cold, harsh metal cages everywhere.
   Beautiful creatures locked away.
        what to do what to do.

Silent tears slide down my cheeks.
   Sadness overwhelms me.
        what to do what to do.

Wake up in a cold sweat.
   and realize I wasn't sleeping.
       this is my reality.

~Ur feelings never change, u just learn 2 hide them~

[This message has been edited by Spine Grinder (08-11-2002 01:40 PM).]

paper doll
Member

since 2002-08-04

Posts 133
Floating on Uncertainty

1 posted 2002-08-10 12:03 PM

The imagery in this i think could be strengthened. Really delve into what you're feeling and this could be heightened quite well. Also, you've got a grammar error in the first stanza. It should be Too much on my mind, not to much on my mind.

Thanks for the read.

~M

Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality.

[This message has been edited by paper doll (08-10-2002 12:04 AM).]

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

2 posted 2002-08-11 01:41 PM

thanks 4 the advice but i like it the way it is.

~Ur feelings never change, u just learn 2 hide them~

Punk Angel
Member

since 2001-07-25

Posts 66
Pennsylvania, US

3 posted 2002-08-11 10:22 PM

wow stac, wen u told me u wrote a poem called "cant sleep" i laughed n thought it was sumthin lighthearted, not this intense. well u kno how i feel about ur poetry, n i really think the same for ths one too, but ur kinda gettin towards the depressing side. oh well, its ur poetry, even tho it means ur feelings, which means that aint good. i liked the poem, lylas~kris

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