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Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

0 posted 2002-08-06 01:36 AM

Saturn in the distance,
looking balefully at me.
Taunting me and mocking you
for what we cannot do.

Jupiter is closer,
a well-documented fact;
and Romeo kissed Juliet...
look where THEY ended up at.

Pluto is the farthest,
or I may be wrong.
Purple dragons flying by
I bite my heart and cry.

Venus is the closest,
of this, at least, I'm sure;
and Antony loved Cleo,
they had a love so pure.

The Moon shines brightest of them all,
that light will ne'er go out.
I feel my heart catch fire again,
with a love that is my bane.
*Thanks Robin!

IKNAP
Junior Member

since 2002-05-19

Posts 47
Torrington, Connecticut

1 posted 2002-08-06 01:44 AM

I like it!!ilove your wording in this poem it make an awsome picture for me!!! good job

"The Fat Man Walks Alone"

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

2 posted 2002-08-06 05:34 AM

liked this alot, such a good idea for a poem pulled off very well
ps. pluto is the furthest!
anya

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

3 posted 2002-08-06 01:04 PM

What I love is how the title gives you one set of expectations, and then the poem goes and blows them all away. Awesome work, Skyfire.

Mike

Said if I only could ...
-KB

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

4 posted 2002-08-06 01:10 PM

Lovely poetry here. I really only have one suggestion, and I am not sure why I think this, but may I suggest changing the "me" in..
"looking balefully at me." to "us"?
Just thought it might flow better with the fact that you mention both parties in the next line. Good work.

~Sky

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

5 posted 2002-08-06 04:24 PM

I really enjoyed the read, it was very intresting and quite a departure from some of your other stuff, keep on writing and I'll keep on reading it.

Andrew

"If you are afraid of wolves, stay out of the woods"

J.V. Stalin

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

6 posted 2002-08-07 12:49 PM

i agree with the whole title thing, it totally was the oppisite of wut i expected, great job.

~Ur feelings never change, u just learn 2 hide them~

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