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UnseenBeauty
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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UnseenBeauty |
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MissinMyBaby New Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 5Scarborough,Ontario,Canada |
~*~Unseen~*~Beauty~*~ You walk through the night, Like an unseen beauty, You walk without beaing heard, You walk without being seen, I see you and, You dont want to be seen, I hear you and, You dont want to be heard, You walk through the evening, With a heart filled with pain, You walk without feeling, You walk without remporce, I walk with you, Feeling your pain, I walk with you, Feeling your remorce, You walk with the day and, With you holding onto, All that you have, Not letting go of what you, Couldnt have, And never giving up on something, You failed to do the first time, And still you walk with your head up high, Walking through the night, Like an unseen beauty. By:Ashley Smith, shorty_smith_13_21@hotmail.com (p.s) Im new here so id appreciate it if u told me what u thought of this poem,or if there was anything id need to change thanx a lot |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ashley Tina Diana Smith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I honestly liked the idea behind this, but it seemed sloppy. I won't go through it all, but take the first stanza for example. You establish that she is unseen. Then you go back to it and say it again a couple of lines down. I think that was careless. And a line later, you say that you see her. Here, you have to decide, whether she's unseen or seen. I know you're gonna say that well she's unseen by the rest, but seen by you, but you have to make that clear in the poem. Hope i wasn't too harsh. GOod luck with your writing.  peace |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! First of all, welcome to passions for poetry. Glad to see that you have decided to join us here in this wonderful site. I hope you enjoy this place as much as we all do. So, happy reading and happy posting too. With regards to your poem..... I believe the poem was pretty good listen to Master for he has brought up a good point. aqll I can say is keep writing this is the only way to get better thanks for sharing ps. pls check your email là où est mon amour? |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Hey, instead of tacking the "tell me what you think" at the end of your poem, go into your profile and check the box that says "encourage critiques." Then you can type a message that comes up in the reply window. Much easier As for your poem, I'm going to agree that it was a very interesting concept... the way it was written could have been improved by cutting back on the line breaks, and using them only when necessary. Expand your lines a little, add more description... give it more substance. I disagree with Master about making it more clear in the poem what the meaning is... maybe he's one of those poets who doesn't like thinking about what he's reading.  I'm like that sometimes, it's all good. But I think one of the elements you were driving towards was that of mystery, so I'm going to disagree with him...The way you laid it out, everything you said, was perfect in my opinion. All I would do is cut back on the line breaks and expand more on the feelings, instead of making a string of literal statements? Welcome to Passions. I like your screen-name... the only reason I replied is because my girlfriend is out of town, and she always says she might post a poem on "that poetry site" that I always go to. She also constantly calls me her "baby." So... I kind of jumped to a conclusion. But her name isn't Ashley... hehe  Anyways, enough... hope to be seeing more of you. Parasite |
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paper doll Member
since 2002-08-04
Posts 133Floating on Uncertainty |
Firstly welcome to Passions. Enjoy it here and wonder around. Now with the piece, I read it like you've neglected parts that surely should have been included. If the desired effect was to make the reader actually delve into aspects of the mystery then I feel you could have made it either more elusive or stronger in the imagery. The opening stanza was fairly well done. My only qualm with this is that it seems weak for such a strong theme. Really explore it and bring the words to life. Thanks for the read. ~M Imagination=nostalgia for the past, the absent; it is the liquid solution in which art develops the snapshots of reality. |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Welcome to Passions! You're going to like it here. Let us know if you have any questions - any of the moderators can lend a hand. write with grace, all others lose face; |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I think that the mysterious aspect of this poem could have been better portrayed. A little expansion perhaps? Maybe this is just your style and if it fits you, than use what works. I don't agree with master about the re-use of she's unseen. I think that beginning a poem a certain way and then going back to it in closing just brings it around full circle (or at least most of the time). I also thought that it was pretty clear that the unseen beauty is "seen" by you, but not by others. Of course, this is just my perspective. Over all I think that the poem was decent and certainly an opening to more poetry to come. Welcome to Passions. I'm married to Mr.Metaphor. We make love everyday. |
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