Teen Poetry #5 |
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No Title (can ya help me?) |
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Tamma![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV ![]() |
A tear slid down her cheek, As she told him goodbye. As she put down the phone, Her emotions were at a peak. But soon her tears dried up, And remembered an old friend. She’d found out something, That he’d wanted to break up. He made her feel so guilty, About finding another. And falling for him, But she was suddenly happy. For, at that moment, she knew, He just wasn’t worth it. She thought for sure, That he was being untrue. She’d called him on the phone, And heard another voice. He knew she heard it, But swore it was his own. She slammed the phone down, And tried to hide a tear. She wrapped her arms around another, and gently kissed his jawbone. "A friend's shoulder makes a |
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© Copyright 2001 Tamma M. Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
JBaker515![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
Tamma, Not your best hun... pretty simple rythme scheme, but i liked it. What I didnt like 1) in this stanza But soon her tears dried up, And remembered an old friend. She’d found out something, That he’d wanted to break up. I dont like how you used UP twice...it sorta took away from the poem. And second, it just seemed like who threw some words in just to make it ryhme>> maybe im wrong, but it just read that way. Over all good poem keep it up girl! ![]() ![]() ~Jeff~ |
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Tamma![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
acctually, i went to www.rhymer.com to find the rhymes ![]() "A friend's shoulder makes a |
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anonymous albert ?![]()
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i liked it...you expressed yourself..nicely, Tamma ![]() im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
Hey. This one was good. But I agree, it's not your best. Still, it was good, I liked it. Keep writing. (I personally like www.rhymezone.com... lol It helps out when the dreaded writers block comes around to take away your rhyming. lol) - Cody - |
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fairy girl Junior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 10*~*Virginia*~* |
I liked this, it was "deep" I guess you could say. As for a title maybe "he wasn't worth it" or something along that line. if it doesnt work well its ok, just trying to help. thanks for the read. ![]() |
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Dopey Dope![]()
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well it looks like your hard work paid off Tamma. I liked this poem. A story well told here. Hope to see more.... ![]() I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Very well written story line. I enjoyed this, Tamma. It's different from what I've seen from you. Nice work. --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning... |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Hopefully things are better with you now, Tamma. It's hard moving on but it's best. Thanks for the read. ![]() ~AF~ Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Really nice, Strong emotions... I liked it a lot ALLIE |
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