Faint World: still unfinished...kind of...

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Teen Poetry #5

Faint World: still unfinished...kind of...

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2001-06-25 05:51 PM

Please refer to the finished poem in this link: /pip/Forum49/HTML/000033.html

the_rescue
Member

since 2001-05-23

Posts 316
Japan

1 posted 2001-06-25 06:11 PM

hey that was good I want to hear the rest of it lol

I'm not asking U 2 luv me I'm just letting out the truth no hold barred about what I feel nothing wrong with what I say

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-06-25 07:15 PM

Leah!

  This is beautiful!  I love what you have so far.  I like the change you made in the last two lines of the second stanza.  That works better than what you had before, although I thought what you had before was fine too.
The meter is awesome all throughtout.  And the flow in most places is excellent.  In the third stanza, the line "And dust wafts through empty air" is missing one syllable that would help the flow in that stanza tremendously.  Adding "the" and making it: And dust wafts through the empty air" would help a lot.  In the fourth stanza, the last line is awkward.  I don't quite know what it is, but it the meter doesn't seem to fit right with the previous lines.
I thought the language used all throughout this poem, and the style and format was excellent.  VERY nice work.  I'm enjoying reading this poem, and as Allan said in the previous thread, since it's not finished, there's room for polishing

Just a few pointers..
Nice work, Leah. I'm looking forward to the finished product.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-06-25 07:40 PM

I want the rest NOW!!!

that was really excellent
I can't wait for the rest of the poem
Is it done yet?
don't forget to share it Leah
~*applauds*~

hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

4 posted 2001-06-26 12:34 PM

Leah-
WOW! This is REALLY GOOD!!

amazing writing!

keep it coming!!

smiles,
~vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his
heart, you have not truely met the poet."
-vlraynes

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