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Teen Poetry #5
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Tangerine and Tear Drops
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Tangerine and Tear Drops |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA 
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I'm writing this as I go..and I'm not quite sure about the last few lines, let me know what you think please..I'm not pleased with it..*sigh* Stars dance above my head As I lie, careless in my bed Meandering through restless energy Trying to grasp Onto what has been really bothering me I have my moments Strapping myself onto a roller coaster ride And moments When I long to pour out myself To someone sincere I always seem to be able to focus And my heart for a slight moment In time no longer is blurry It will stand frozen Relaxing this constant frame of mind The flickering flame of The constant burning pink candle In my soul Tells me I need to let go And this time, I must be strong Never to give in Ever again Encourging me that I can do this And this time I will find a lasting friendship That will forever linger upon my soul's lips Like a sweet mixture of tangerine and tear drops.. [This message has been edited by Ceinwyn (02-12-2002 06:47 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kristen Brandon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Maverick Heart New Member
since 2002-02-12
Posts 3In the darkness of my mind... |
For 'as you go' this isn't bad...not at all! I'm sure if you look it over and work at it more, then you'll like it. Don't kick yourself. Who's going to save those who're already dead? |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
I can associate with the feelings in this poem very well, they come across strong. I agree that the last lines aren't perfect, but I could not have done better. I'm sorry I can't come up with a suggestion. I loved the poem anyway, it is VERY good! [This message has been edited by HopelessRomanticGuy (02-12-2002 06:44 PM).] |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Hey, I really liked the poem, it was written beautifully. I too can see that perhaps the last few lines might be better, but I couldn't think of anything to suggest. If I do, and its anything close to good, I'll let you know. As far as critique, I found the rhyming annoying, because it was inconsistent. However, I do that all the time when I write as I go, so maybe I should keep my mouth shut...  I also think it could use a little punctuation. A period here and there would make it easier, for me anyway, to read. Of course, I am not a genius in any way, so don't take my word for it.Overall, I really enjoyed it. |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
Bless you child!! heheh you don't know how relieved I am to get a critique like that!! the replies are much appreciated  Love, Kristen |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
You dont even comprehend how much I love your last lines.... OO I can't even explain it.... GREAT POEM! ~LCBS Exeryone makes mistake, learn from them and move on, because tomorrow we'll make more... |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Child, eh?  Oh well, maybe I am. lol...As far as liking the critique, no problem. I do my best!  (wow, and on my second post too... YES! takes a bow) |
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