Chronicles of Our Neighbourhood

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Winston Froom
Junior Member

since 2001-11-28

Posts 32

0 posted 2001-12-12 11:56 PM

Alright, this is a very, very rough draft. With unstable meter and weary rhyme (Among other flaws).

Chronicles of Our Neighbourhood

It is hereby commenced;

The courier's dispatch
is in whole disclosure.
Veracity is but the colour
of ink that prevails upon closure.

Forfeit thy tongues
yet ready thy ears.
The consequences of ignorance
shall be ill-fated, I fear.

Opened is the charter now:

Tales of woe, bleak aftermaths
for men who plot and seek to harm.
Pounding wisdom, from the wise
for simple folk who dwell in vines.

It is hitherto proclaimed the end:
Guide our sails or walk our planks.
Signed sincerely,
Subjects of a gentle kind.

deadeyes
Junior Member

since 2001-11-07

Posts 33

1 posted 2001-12-13 10:43 AM

Indeed another well elaborated poem. A poem that tells and shows a moral always has to have it's right meaning and quality. You did that very outstandingly and really makes us think about humanity. Very distinctive indded.
A-

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

2 posted 2001-12-13 11:16 AM

it is a rough draft, but from what you have i think that this piece has a lot of potenial. i think that, as you stated at the top, the meter is the main thing that needs to be improved. the vocabulary is good, as are the images, the main thing to touch up on is the flow of the lines. i would start by going back and eliminating all the words that you can without destroying the meaning of this piece. great work, keep posting.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

rolly_polly
Junior Member

since 2001-10-10

Posts 41
puerto rico

3 posted 2001-12-13 12:56 PM

Wow...well i thought this was very very nice..it provoked a lot of thought in me which is always a good sign of a good piece.

..i really felt what yer trying to say in this one (or i THINK i do

)...anyway once again i am in full admiration of yer work

.....keep em coming!

~parallel universe~

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

4 posted 2001-12-13 09:10 PM

Ok, I'm totally dazzled by this. It has to go into the library so I can gather the full strength of what you're saying.
Although it's a rough draft, it is still quite good.

I can't wait for the final to be posted.

~AF~

Caution: Filling is hot.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-12-21 03:11 PM

Me, I'm pretty much lost
Specially, considering the title matching the poem
I need some help
pls explain

là où est mon amour?
donde está mi amour?
wo ist meine Liebe?
Nelly Furtado é a menina a mais bonita no mundo largo do todo.

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