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Missthang
Member

since 2001-07-03

Posts 103

0 posted 2001-10-24 10:17 PM

My goal in this one was to make it short, sweet and to the point. i wanted every word to be just as powerful as the next and i didn't want any unessisary lines. i don't think i achieved that like i wanted to. tell me what ya think.

Arriving early, staying late.
Never an argument or debate.
The answers yes and never no.
Always smiles when on the go.

When paths are curved turn them strait.
If need is high never wait.
It's joy for me, what I do.
Cuz all I do is done for you.

~Could you also tell me if this poem even makes sence.

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

1 posted 2001-10-24 11:30 PM

sure it made sense

just the one thing..you wanted it to be succint and bereft of unnessasary words...well i know that your rythm(

) and rhyme will be affected by the change, but i dont think "debate" is nessessary if youve used argument or vise versa.

its fine as it is but im just nit picking...good poem Miss, i liked it.

"......",said the wise mute.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2001-10-24 11:49 PM

Yes, it makes sense! I thought it was short and sweet! Definately sweet! It is good!

It takes more work to love myself than to love others... I guess that explains it, eh?

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

3 posted 2001-10-25 09:36 AM

I did like this a lot. And yes, it made sense.

Great job, you did well.

Jenn

"I want love on my own terms; after everything I've ever learned. Me, I carry too much baggage..."

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2001-10-26 10:23 AM

I definately think this made sense...i liked it

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

5 posted 2001-10-27 12:52 PM

Yes, it makes perfect sense. One thing you might want to watch out for is the spelling mistakes too. Sometimes even the slightest can take away from the credibility of the piece.
Other than that I liked what you were saying. Thanks for sharing this and remember to reply too.

~AF~

Maybe I'm just a girl...interrupted.

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