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Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

0 posted 2001-10-24 09:56 PM

A flower given at the park
A fleeting kiss shared in the dark
A whispered vow of love spoken
The pain and hurt of life broken

The flower blooms in the dark night
The fleeting kiss is brought to light
A whispered vow of love returned
The pain and hurt of life unlearned

The flower loses just one petal
The fleeting kiss begins to settle
The whispered vow of love grows stale
The pain and hurt of life unveiled

The flower wilts and then it dies
The fleeting kiss becomes as lies
A whispered vow of love broken
The pain and hurt is love’s token

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggy' while you search for a rock." - Will Rogers

Missthang
Member

since 2001-07-03

Posts 103

1 posted 2001-10-24 10:28 PM

this is deep. i love the way you describe this relationship as a cycle. like the saying goes "what goes up must come down". all relationships don't last forever and it does seem like a endless circle with no definate start or end. good job. i like this peom. i especially enjoyed your choice of words.

-ab

*The heart is a house for love*

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

2 posted 2001-10-24 11:12 PM

OMG adamz! this is amazing...i love the way youre experimenting with new styles and formats.. i loved the way you link everything together and stick to that throughout the poem. this is a great poem- realistic to say the very least. in my library it shall go...keep writing, poet!

"......",said the wise mute.

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

3 posted 2001-10-25 09:30 AM

The only critique I have is in the last stanza you have written..Something about it feels off... I dunno... but I absolutly loved the point of this. It was really well done.

Jenn

"I want love on my own terms; after everything I've ever learned. Me, I carry too much baggage..."

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2001-10-26 10:10 AM

This was a very interesting kinda poem...and the way you chose to express your feelings through repitition and such things was wonderful...great job

ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd..

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

5 posted 2001-10-27 12:27 PM

Adam, outstanding piece of writing here. You should be really proud of this. The expression is amazing and it had me captivated the entire time.
Great work on the meter and imagery. Hope to see more soon.

~AF~

Maybe I'm just a girl...interrupted.

Shygirl82
Member

since 2001-02-19

Posts 245
Ilinois

6 posted 2001-10-27 02:02 AM

I thought this was great..I was lost in the words and I completely was feeling it...
~Nikki~

Smile!! You never know who may be falling in love with it...

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