Teen Poetry #5 |
![]() ![]() |
The day you came into my life |
![]() ![]() ![]() |
branden726![]() ![]()
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607Bay City, MI ![]() |
The day you came into my life, So great, No pain, Everything in mind about a perfect day, Everything you had said made me wonder why i lay here in bed, Sick, Painfull in desperate need, Someone to love, someone who wont leave. Plz come back i beg, Plz dont leave, You looked and me and said bye i will always love you, I asked you not to go, Not to put your life on the line, But as required by law, To war you must go, My intent was good almost great, If you wouldnt have went, I wouldnt be at this grave. P.s. I wrote this just thinking of how the wifes of some of the men that had to go to all them wars but never came back. I hope ppl read this, i know i havent posted in a while ive been busy in teenchat sometime come see me. |
||
© Copyright 2001 Branden Jacobs - All Rights Reserved | |||
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Hi Branden. ![]() I really enjoyed this. It was a great write. More, More! ![]() Bye! ![]() |
||
branden726![]() ![]()
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607Bay City, MI |
LoL you want more? well im not gonna flood the forums im up to about 1/2 a day. Thanks for the reply |
||
Heavens Tears![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Well, I think the rust is washing away. This was very nice, considering it is something that you dont personally feel, I am assuming. Great job! *Amanda* |
||
Brad Majors![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-04-03
Posts 2647Georgia |
Great piece! |
||
HeAvEnS AnGeL Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 168The Hot Girl From Canada |
hey Baby branden! nice post ![]() |
||
HeAvEnS AnGeL Member
since 2001-05-17
Posts 168The Hot Girl From Canada |
hey Baby branden! nice post ![]() |
||
Dopey Dope![]()
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought the intent was nice, but I've seen better from you. My suggestion is to put a bit more feeling into your poems....I'm sure you felt this one cuz I did a bit while reading it, but I know you can put more heart into this. I liked it though. I hope to see more as well. ![]() I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
angel_2401 Member
since 2001-06-12
Posts 131Cincinnati, OH |
This is good, and I agree with them, more!! ![]() I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem. |
||
branden726![]() ![]()
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607Bay City, MI |
Well thanx and dope i guess your right more heart would be good i mean i havent wrote in a while and you can bet it will get bettter i promise ![]() |
||
stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
BRANDEN!!!!!! ![]() *hugs Branden* MORE SAYS I!!!!!!!! I like it!! ![]() *hugs again* bye bye!!!!!!!!!!! :waves: [This message has been edited by stace_co2003 (edited 07-03-2001).] |
||
Fading Away![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I thought this was okay, the content is good, and the point of the poem was nice. I thought lots of emotion was lacking in this piece, though. I didn't connect with it in the slightest. This isn't your best work. Thanks for sharing. --Marie You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds. |
||
anonymous albert ?![]()
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
yea..this was great and all..but i totally agree with Marie on this...very clear content and message was nicely written...but definitly a lot of emotions lacked...the feeling wasnt just there. [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 07-04-2001).] |
||
Kicking Kim Member
since 2001-04-16
Posts 426Cloud Cucko Land! |
Very strong poem, I am glad you are back, this is the first of your poems I have read and I hope you are now back for good! Keep writing!! ![]() ![]() "Theres no posession, just obsession and growing depression" |
||
branden726![]() ![]()
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607Bay City, MI |
I am back truthfully for a while, i left pip because my lack of intrest in writting oh no right yeah thats pretty bad considering that i um used to love it well the flame is back and other poets beware cuz im about to flare. |
||
Acies![]()
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
very well written piece indeed Branden. I enjoyed it a lot. hope to see more. keep sharing hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare |
||
![]() ![]() |
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
![]() ![]() ![]() |
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. |