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Silent Dancing
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Silent Dancing |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Dancing on the streets at midnight A halo shining above your head People watching from the shadows Half asleep. Grasping empty air You hope to fly away somehow Wishing you could dance your life away... Closing your eyes You search the stars above Spatter spotlights shining down on you. The rhythm of your feet Keeps the music flowing...playing in your mind You hope the music never dies Wishing you could dance like this again... The winter rose blooms evermore When all else slumbers in the city's crown. The poet sits upon the wooden bench, Watching in the shadows In awe of the grace in which she moves On the midnight streets Wishing he could dance like her... And as the dawn breaks Light streaming forth She no longer dances for the shadows And he is no longer in awe of her grace. People blur the streets until the sunset breaks In pieces. At midnight, the silent wind Awakes the sleeping poet on the bench Watching, waiting For her. Yet all that dances that night Is the silence in his ears And empty air before his eyes... Never was there so much longing in the world... ===== I realize that the "viewpoint" of the poem changes half way through. That's how I wanted it...so that you get a glimpse inside the dancer. I'm willing to admit that this isn't my best. I've been down lately, and school's starting soon. BAH!  Excuses, excuses.  Enough of me! °L.§.W.° Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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| © Copyright 2001 chasing rain - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
no, this is really really good! I liked this a lot! very well done, I like how it changes, by the way  |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
i like how it changes too!!...i liked this one lots!! i love your free verse as much as your rhyme. well done here leah! ............Daffodils |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
...your writing gets more and more beautiful as days go by...hehe...great poem...such wonderful imagery with words that you use to discrib them, as always...HAI! if i die before i wake...i pray the Lord my soul to take - when thugs cry- |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
I liked the way you switched the view point in this. You gave it from a dancer and the longing souls point of view which is different. (favourite word today  )The first stanza wasn't too bad for the simple fact that you portrayed this dancer as heavenly creating a vision of halos and a longing to fly away. Adding "Wishing you could dance your life away" was a great comparison between angelic movement and dancing. In another words, it comes across to the reader that you think dancing and flying are on the same wavelength. I like that. The fact that she dances for the shadows is another very important part of this piece. Everyone dances for something but she dances for the darker aspect of life whilst herself being on the light side to it. Your first two lines on the next stanza caught me. "Closing your eyes, You search the stars above". Even if it is a poem, that still sounds really poetic. Actually, it's simple yet from its simplicity it draws a certain degree of elegance. Then when you go on to talk about rhythm and the flow of music it is a great thing that you added how the stars are a spotlight. This threw off a theatrical feel to the piece. In my head, I saw this girl dancing on a stage yet the only audience was the night sky and those stars but also, the shadows. It looks really good.  "Wishing you could dance like this again..." That part made me sad. Someone lost the ability to dance. That'd truly be a terrible thing to lose. Movement is essential. Expression of yourself through dance is even better. <-- Passionate about dancing. That's why it made me a little sad.The third stanza is where it all really came in for me. You changed the view point completely yet still retained the theme extremely well. Most people when they change the view stuff up the entire piece and chang the style. You kept it all running along very smoothly. Go you.  "The winter rose blooms evermore When all else slumbers in the city's crown." Very nicely written there. It's an interesting way to write about how an entire city is asleep despite the movement in the streets. When you got to the writer, the dark and light aspect of it came through. This girl dances beneath the lights of the stars and basks in their glow yet this poet sits in the shadows and just watches and wants to dance like her...but doesn't. The fourth stanza really made me quite upset. This man that watched her dance and longed to be like her was suddenly without an object to admire. Day and night act as a good coverage to display the type of unspoken relationship these two had. By day, people come in the streets, mess everything up but by night, they all disappear. She danced for the shadows, he was one of the shadows. Day acts by nights wishes. It goes before night gets there. She went during the day to only dance at night. But she eventually wasn't there anymore and this poor poet was left without a dancer to marvel. The fact that he waited and watched out for her in itself was extremely depressing. He had become so attatched to this dancer that in the end, when her precense wasn't there, all he had was emptiness. The empty air and silence in his ears was a great way to describe just how much she had meant to him. "Never was there so much longing in the world..." Quite an emotional line there but it really does show how dependent you can become on someone. OK, that's enough out of me. Overall, I seriously loved this piece Leah. I don't care if YOU don't like it. More than half of what I said probably isn't even close to the true meaning of the poem but that's all what I got out of it. Keep writing these great pieces. ~AF~ "Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?" |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
..........LEAH!!!!!! yep this is one of those good ones........yeeeah....yep....*breathes* wow...shivery.... ~Carly Speak softly and carry a beagle. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I liked this one. I have seen better from you, but it was still really good. The change in view point made it that much better. Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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