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Open Poetry #14
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Here Comes Summer
| Open Poetry #14 |
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Here Comes Summer |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Here Comes Summer Virginia Salter Here comes summer... with its flags unfurled its best boy and girl barbecues heating up night its bombs bursting in air porch rocking chair all in the space of an evening. It’s songs of the eve its shortened up sleeve with dances neath moonlight’s balm pirouettes under the stars rides in open-topped cars adding to the lovely of calm balloons rising toward sun sandals heading for fun you at my side morn through night fireflies lighting our way sparkling up end of our day making everything feel just right though blossoms of spring have left on the wind sweet flowers of summer still reign growing lambs in the field grains in high yield will head up old sparrow’s refrain let’s enjoy summer’s song its lazing along with late night and early-rise morn butterflies and bees flitting by trees as laughter on breezes is born © May 29, 2001 Question: Do you think it imperative that I change the first stanza to match the remaining pattern? |
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| © Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
answer: no it all works  I liked this very much.....( and I love having summer's off  ) SEA |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
The first stanza sets off the remainder of the poem... which has a soft feel of summer's warmth... well done! [I would change breezes to breeze...] [This message has been edited by Lady In White (edited 05-30-2001).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
It’s songs of the eve its shortened up sleeve with dances neath moonlight’s balm pirouettes under the stars rides in open-topped cars adding to the lovely of calm balloons rising toward sun sandals heading for fun you at my side morn through night fireflies lighting our way sparkling up end of our day making everything feel just right ============================= Virginia this is delightful... an wonderful poem of anticipation of the season and coming holiday. and to answer your question... the cadence was wonderful, it all works. well done poetess I'm hanging on your every word |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Yes, let's enjoy the summer song For it won't last quite that long Then Autumn's orange colours apear So let's enjoy and take a beer Love your poem VAS, thank you Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
VAS, Nice memories of summer just like when I was young. Personally, I would change 1st verse to match rest but then I like nice tidy symetrical packages. That may be just my personal opinion. I think it would also let us know there is a pattern from the get go- until you asked the question, I had seen no pattern and really never heard it either. Then I went back to find what you were talking about - could be my mood too but I just never noticed it. Now that I have, I think you should match it with the rest. If you start off with the pattern we may notice it right away and that will add much more impact to your piece AND let us see the work you did too. Meaning that any poem is work but a good one is one that makes it look like it was easy to compose. This one fulfilled that - meaning it was a super piece and it looked way too easy but if you can match up your 1st verse then I'd say it was not only a lot of work but you did make it look too easy. So you will have succeeded. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, just my opinion. I enjoyed the trip. Panne |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
oh yeah Summer....can smell it all in your words... Charisma |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I wouldn't, I think the first stanza works just fine. Loved the warm peaceful easy feeling this poem created in my perspective. esp. this verse.... "It’s songs of the eve its shortened up sleeve with dances neath moonlight’s balm pirouettes under the stars rides in open-topped cars adding to the lovely of calm." I feel so relaxed now......zzzzzzzphewzzzzzzphewzzzzzz |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
At least you guys get the weather for summer though I hear we are in for a good one this year so that will mean a week with out a drop of rain yippe really enjoyed the poem, Vas. "you are what you own in this land, you can be king and it all depends on the view and what you can see" Whipping boy |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks all for your votes re. 1st stanza. Of course, I still want to hear from more poets, Little Miss Insecurity here. ;O} SEA, glad you liked! You have summers off, are you a teacher or a student? Lady in White, 'breezes' bothered me, too. I think I left it because of the syllable count. I could get the same count by adding a 'the' but I try so hard to use as few 'the's' as possible. Janet Marie, thank you so much for your specifics and your wonderful praise. I appreciate knowing your favorite parts. Titia, I truly enjoyed your poetic response! Panne, I very much appreciate your "Pannedid" remarks. That is the exact reason for which I was wondering about lining it up. Although, I kind of like the fact you didn't 'see' the pattern until I mentioned it. In some ways, I think that may be good...eliminating the 'sing-song' feel that is so frowned upon. Charisma, summer does have its own aroma, doesn't it. Glad you had the sense of it while reading. ethome...thanks for the vote of confidence, your response's ending almost put me to sleep. Brian...I always thought Ireland was a great deal like my growing up home town, Salem, Oregon. Lots of green because of the rain, but we get a great deal more than one week without rain. We had some wonderful summers and springs. It's really green, too, and just below the 45th parallel. I always loved the warm, gentle summer rain, well, when I didn't have to worry about my hair. It was wonderful to go walking in. I think I've only experienced two rains like that in my current home town. [This message has been edited by VAS (edited 05-30-2001).] |
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