Look At What You've Done (tentative title)

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

0 posted 2001-05-13 01:03 AM

Fellow writers and readers,
    It feels good (albeit strange) to be back! I've spent the last several months going through a self-imposed writer's block. I found that for the first time in my writing history, the emotions of what I was going through were too strong to adequately put on paper. I was too "caught up" in my feelings to spearate myself from them and write. As this is my first poem in a long time, I am a bit apprehensive about it. It feels done but when I go back and reread it, I think it's missing something. So I'm opening this one up to the forum. I'm looking for suggestions, critiques, improvements, etc.. Heck if you think it's fine just the way it is or even if it sucks eggs..tell me what you think! :-) I'm also looking for a good title. Thank you friends!
                            - Jeff (rascalx)
____________________________________________________
Look At What You’ve Done

V1.      Trying to color inside the lines
          but my desires for self expression
           know no boundaries
         Besides, you took the colorful crayons
          out of my box
           only leaving me black and blue

Chorus1:     My feelings aren’t typical
          Though my behavior is despicable
         You brought this monster out of me
             My selfishness is horrible
            And my morals are deplorable
            But it’s you who set me free

V2.       Rules are meant to be broken
           or is that just a convenient excuse
            to justify my activities
          Besides, you ain’t the Virgin Mary
           you just hide it better
            God forbid I should take after you

Chorus2:     My feelings are emotional
          Though my behavior is sexual
         You brought the lover out of me
             My fantasies are magical
            And my appetite insatiable
            But it’s you who set me free

Bridge:        Look at your creation
            Are you my Dr. Frankenstein?
              Calling Dr. Strangelove
                 To give me a sign – because

               (Repeat chorus1 and 2)

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

1 posted 2001-05-13 07:04 AM

A marvellous poem, shouln't be changed a bit to my opinion. Thanks for starting writing again.

Titia

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2001-05-13 08:12 AM

It would be interesting to hear the music behind the lyrics.

Glad to have you back!

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

3 posted 2001-05-13 04:58 PM

Titia and Sunshine,

Thank you for your kind compliments; it feels good to be writing again. As for the music, I have a basic melody plunked out on my keyboard, but I need to "fine tune" it a bit. :-)
- Jeff

snowpants
Member Elite

since 2000-09-16

Posts 2061
KS

4 posted 2001-05-13 07:36 PM

These are fantastic lyrics, Jeff...I, too, would love to hear the music! Great work...

sp

to be with you...
I've tried to hide my passion,
but it's just no use...
piece by piece I lose it
when you walk in the room...

Paula Finn
Member Ascendant

since 2000-06-17

Posts 5546
missouri

5 posted 2001-05-13 10:38 PM

HHEYYYY you...first off...I have MISSED you...so come talk to me...and this is a great song...I dont think you are missing anything...you could add another verse...but it isnt really necessary...this pretty much says it all...HUGS!!!!

Saunni
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 1777
West Virginia

6 posted 2001-05-14 12:58 PM

Oh, I would love to hear this to music also. Hey, I work with my demo crew, making demo's. Like to join?

Great write.

Sauni

Sauni :)
Have you ever known the color grey when the nighttime finds you weak
I have, I've walked that road each time; that's where my angel sleeps

dgvarner
Member Elite

since 2000-05-13

Posts 3552
High Springs, Florida

7 posted 2001-05-14 09:10 AM

wow! and good to see you! i like it..i think its great..very emotional..pretty darned intense..glad youve started to get it out of your system

its true..sometimes the feelings are just too intense to escape your heart..they bleed internally for a while..until one day, we have to hope they will bleed from our pen..

it really is good to see you..and i dont get in here as much as i used to either..

good luck in the bleeding of your poison! youre on the right track

hugs, g

"...if i ran away,
i'd never have the strength
to go very far..."

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

8 posted 2001-05-14 06:45 PM

Really good Jeff. . . it's good to get it all out isn't it? Believe me, when you get it all out, you'll feel better. . . it has to start though, and it looks like you took off running!!

Welcome back. . . and keep it coming man!!

---------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

9 posted 2001-05-15 06:43 AM

Thank you snowpants... the music is still in my head mostly but I'm hoping to "get it out" soon lol

Saunni,

     Thank you! Yes, I would be interested in joining your "demo" group.  A good friend of mine who cut a singing demo has been encouraging me to do the same. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated. :-)

dgvarner, Sven, Paula,

     Thank you for welcoming me back to the fold. It feels good to come back to friends. I didn't realize how much I missed this "place" until I saw your familiar names. And WOW! Has this forum grown huge or what? lol So many people with great poems! Yes, it feels good to "get my feelings out" again. I love your analogy Gail - "bleeding the poison"... I think I feel a poem coming on. :-) Hugs to all of you,
                        - Jeff O.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.