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Open Poetry #13

Nervous System (senryu)

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2001-04-12 05:48 PM

Now nameless nectar
naturally nocturnal
neurotic nature

[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 04-13-2001).]

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2001-04-12 06:52 PM

This is great! Now I'll have to try one like this.....

SEA

wayoutwalt
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)

2 posted 2001-04-12 07:58 PM

very hard to write you did well

Panne447
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 196
S.A. TX

3 posted 2001-04-13 01:29 AM

Effigy,
This is very good - I enjoyed what you wrote here but line one should have 5 syllables -you need one more, line 2 is ok with the 7 syls but line 3 has 8 - 3 more than it should have. So it must be rewritten to be a Senyru. However as a short poem - it is super. I liked it anyway. Panne

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

4 posted 2001-04-13 01:36 AM

I liked this, it makes me think I need to read it again when my brain isn't ready for bed, as I think it has a deep meaning that will take pondering.

Yep, Panne's right on the senyru form.

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

5 posted 2001-04-13 11:45 AM

Panne...Humm. You would appear to be right. I made a boo boo. Well now the question is "is it worth being rewritten just to become a senryu?" I don't know.

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

6 posted 2001-04-13 11:51 AM

Ok? So I changed it. It is a senryu now.

Panne447
Member

since 2001-04-03

Posts 196
S.A. TX

7 posted 2001-04-13 12:42 PM

Effigy, I liked it as a short poem but I think you have a terrific Senyru here too. Why not keep both...add to your portfolio.
Panne

Watersign6
Senior Member

since 2001-05-25

Posts 823
Hurricane,WV

8 posted 2001-06-07 09:29 PM

either way it is GREAT!!

dreamy_eyes
Member

since 2000-06-17

Posts 67

9 posted 2001-06-10 11:04 AM

wot can i say WOW!

Life is like a box of chocolates...you know there's something good inside but by the time you remove the wrapping, it's gone all soft and squidgey!

Julian L. Chester
Member

since 2001-06-05

Posts 50

10 posted 2001-06-10 02:44 PM

thats is nice but i dont understand so please help me understand thanx

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