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| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Sami Junior Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 49Ontario, Canada |
I open my eyes To see you staring back at me. The anguish I see Is almost too much to bear. I can just imagine What you must see in mine. I close my eyes again And pray that nothing Happened to us. That we are here together With only love between us. I open my eyes And you are not there. I was so busy wishing that everything was ok, I didn't see you leave. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Samantha Masales - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi Sami..welcome to Passions! This is such a touching piece...and the end was not was I expecting.... :[ Please check your email for a special welcome...  KAll obscurity starts with a danger: |
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Sami Junior Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 49Ontario, Canada |
you weren't expecting the ending, is that a good thing??  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Depends if you wanted it that way... It's to do with the tense...in the start you speak directly to the person in the present tense...and then the last two lines are past tense and the person is absent... so it creates the effect of a surprise ending...personally, I think it's a good thing... in fact...I would go so far to say that maybe you could separate the last two lines from the main body of the poem? That would give them more impact and make the tense separation clearer: I open my eyes To see you staring back at me. The anguish I see Is almost too much to bear. I can just imagine What you must see in mine. I close my eyes again And pray that nothing Happened to us. That we are here together With only love between us. I open my eyes And you are not there. I was so busy wishing that everything was ok, I didn't see you leave. What do you think? KAll obscurity starts with a danger: |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
Liked and related to this a lot. Welcome to Passions! Speak when you are angry--and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret...Laurence J. Peter |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
"I was so busy wishing that everything was ok, I didn't see you leave" ======================================  to Passions, Sami!Well expressed, especially that last two lines, they really hit hard, I know this loss well~ Take care, Melissa~ |
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svandersaar Junior Member
since 2001-01-15
Posts 40 |
Hi, Sami! I was wondering if this was menat to be more literal or symbolic? Been there, been there; I emphasize. I hope life is treating you better now. Good luck to you! Stacey |
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Sami Junior Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 49Ontario, Canada |
hey im so glad everyone likes this poem..i do like it with the last two lines seperate and to me, its meant as more symbolic, like i was trying to fix things and before i knew it, the relationship was over.. everything is better now though ~Sami~ |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
It is sad that sometimes the other person doesn't give us the time to develop a relationship no matter how much we want it...James |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
I can't really add anything here to what's already been said. Except to say that it is good. [This message has been edited by mirror man (edited 04-09-2001).] |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Sami, Welcome to passions. I look forward to reading more of your work. write on Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Welcome to Passions, Sami. This is a great first post, and I can't wait to read more. Nicely done, and again, welcome. --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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