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Dark Poetry #3
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Call me when you get to ether
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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Call me when you get to ether |
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Mad_Hatter Member
since 2003-06-29
Posts 393Canada |
It’s a long way back to the graveyard Pulling out the screws, it’s so hard Throwing flowers on all the graves Make the dead your eternal slaves You bleed the sky With wraths tongue They’re drinking wine From temptations lung It’s so far to the bottom of the river Scratching out loves deadly sliver Through screams the bodies grind A good life’s just so hard to find You bleed the night Holding deaths hand They watch the axe As it divides the land It’s so close to the end of all time Selling their souls, one per dime Watch them all dive into the sky Discovered their lives were just a lie You bleed the day Holding onto cash You burn the fields The melt away to ash Call me When you get To ether We’ll Hold hands in Space forever |
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| © Copyright 2003 Ryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ClaptonsLayla New Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 5 |
O this I like very much, my kind of Gothic prose! Deep, dark, atmospheric, can almost smell the cold damp earth. Very well written, conjuring up good images. |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
nice write, but i think you were trying to hard on the rhyme scheme, i think it could have had more impact if you tried free verse, and lpus if oyu start with a rhyme scheme you should stick wiht it, but def. a good write "in a past life i was a woodcarver's knife: the sharpend blade of a wood cutter, the eldest son of the chief's brother: a maker of drums" |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
I agree with eor. Ive done the same thing and when I tried the free verse thing it worked much better. Read my poems No More and Plastic Harmony and youll know what Im talking about. It does have some nice imagery though a trickle of music from a well |
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