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green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

0 posted 2003-07-29 05:15 PM

Cauldron fire witches blaze
For a god in distant haze
Stinky wind blow around
Sacrifices from the ground
Put together day and night
Nothing follow full of spite
Astral plane and soul protect
Percision miss harm defect
Dirty secret tempt and taunt
Mistaken past forever haunt
Knowledge locked inside herself
Forest cabin loaded shelf
Spooky shade in vivid dreams
And secrets kept silence screams

Before and long just a game
Golden gates shut with shame
Never will they call her name
Trapped and lost herself to blame

a trickle of music from a well
let it spill and roar like hell

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

1 posted 2003-07-29 10:07 PM

Nothing cruel here, just a thought.

You're imagery is so good that I think you're handcuffing yourself with rhyme.

Try some free verse. Concentrate on the image and thought, if rhyme happens? It's a bonus.

Thanks for the read.

Ed

[This message has been edited by wranx (07-29-2003 10:08 PM).]

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

2 posted 2003-07-30 01:53 AM

Thanx for the reply and the advise Ed.

GIS

a trickle of music from a well
let it spill and roar like hell

eor
Senior Member

since 2002-09-26

Posts 959
blues & greys

3 posted 2003-07-30 10:42 PM

i agree wiht wranx on this one, you have a great writing style, and you have a way with words, but i did feel that your rhyme scheme did kind of hold this one down some...but still good write...

"in a past life i was a woodcarver's knife: the sharpend blade of a wood cutter, the eldest son of the chief's brother: a maker of drums"

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

4 posted 2003-07-30 10:47 PM

I'm going to experiment a bit. I agree with both of you. Thanx again.

Annie
Junior Member

since 2003-07-23

Posts 42
Seattle, WA

5 posted 2003-08-01 02:14 AM

Dito! Hugs to you.

"Well I know, these voices must be my soul." -Dave Matthews-

[This message has been edited by Annie (08-01-2003 02:15 AM).]

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

6 posted 2003-08-01 02:43 PM

Thanx again. Annie

a trickle of music from a well
let it spill and roar like hell!

{Lord knows Im a VOODOO CHILD}-JIMI

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