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Dark Poetry #3
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"Rain"
| Dark Poetry #3 |
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"Rain" |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
I wrote this bit because one of my favourite things to do when I'm really feeling down/stressed/ticked off is to walk during a thunderstorm...very relaxing....(for me, anyway). So....yeah. Gimme some suggestions please!! ---------------------------------------------------- "Rain" Tenderly kissing Black bruises Drowing the world In sweet silence Burrowing through A black jacket Slowly absorbed by Pale, scarred skin Gently washing away Painful thoughts Always comforting Rust-coloured tears |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Zall Member
since 2002-08-25
Posts 214London, England |
Great stuff DEG Zall |
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nolon Junior Member
since 2002-09-25
Posts 20Louisiana,Unitedstates |
Im not sure how much works here,but if you accept critcism let me know then i will tell you the part that i want speak about now. However i did like the poem. No doubt it was great! I love rain and wished there was a slow drip of it every day and a storm every friday. |
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nolon Junior Member
since 2002-09-25
Posts 20Louisiana,Unitedstates |
I wanted to also say i like your choice in words. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
My only question in the poem is Black bruises. Are bruises really black? Or should it be Tenderly kissing/browning bruises? Otherwise, very much enjoyed the rain. |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Absolutely!! Criticize me however you want...I need major advice with my work, so I would definitely appreciate any constructive criticism. Umm...I didn't wanna use "purple bruises," as that would throw off the beat, so I went with black. I guess bruises really aren't black....hmmm...must re-think this.... Thanks for the advice/comments!! Hope I'll be able to post some more stuff...if I ever get the time!! Ehhh.....>; P "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Well, many people do refer to bruises as black and blue, so black will do. Walking in the rain can be a healing activity, unless of course you get caught in a hail storm, which would likely bring on more bruising. Interesting read. Keep writing, maybe you can make time for a short senryu or haiku? |
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D edgar Grey Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 174Hell...(aka Wisconsin) |
Ooh: Haiku!! I love working on Haiku...except I can't submit any of my pieces...oops!! What is the other one? Thanks! Ja. "Am assured,receptive,responsive women of substance. My sense of self comes not from other people but from myself? That can't be right." Bridget Jones |
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Succubus Member
since 2002-09-30
Posts 82Canada, Ontario |
Liked the poem a lot. I've never been out during a storm, but I have been out when it was rainning out. I find it relaxing, and rain has a way of washing your worries away... thanx for reminding me to take that walk next time it rains... Great Poem |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I don't know, I kinda like the black bruises. It's goes with the feel of the poem. The bruises could appear black to one in the midst of melancholy. Nice work. Enjoyed.  |
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