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Teen Poetry #4
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Crystal Catacombs - Travel Song
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Crystal Catacombs - Travel Song |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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(when singing this, "every" is three-syllable. And fractal? "shuffling" is always three syll in my mind.  Enjoy.)treading away through the thick, orange grass shuffling softly and slowly along every step is upon broken glass every word to the beat of the song treading away in the dark, gloomy night eyes focused forward, and not straying yet under the moon, and ablaze in her light under the stars, and enwrapped in their net treading away from the ignorant bliss leaving the friends of my past self behind chanting my lullaby down to a hiss chanting my song, for my impatient mind treading away down the deep, winding path knapsack of goods clutching tight to my back swinging my blade, without care, without wrath swinging my blade in a silent attack treading away through the thick, orange grass shuffling softly and slowly along every step is upon broken glass every word to the beat of the song [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 02-25-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
Allan, ooo i like beaucoup, tu veut le manger, aussi?lol great poem....i love the title espaically the "crystal catacomb" part it sound beautiful. Regina |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: I think this series will do well. Your combination between natural imagery and personal emotion is quite impressive and admirable. I look forward to seeing more of these. Also, the rhyme scheme was quite good. I don't think I've seen you use an abab rhyme scheme before. As far as critiques are concerned, I can just say to watch for the syllable count mistakes. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked the song. I thought it was pretty well written.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
bah! syllables only count in haikus, senryus and sonnets! (i think)  very well done here allan, i hope this series continues on and on, its very interesting JR When life dims to a perish, my life will become a quote in itself... |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
here's your blessing *ping* dont make me flick my wrist LOL oh and hey...shuffling's 3!! kiss me kiss me WHOAA insider...lol k im gettin carried away...someone might get mad at me ¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤ |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
BEAUTIFUL poem if i may add  ¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤ |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Allan, you never cease to keep me locked on your every word. Your description of things so small as walking through some grass is just magical. Once again, I am in total awe of your brilliant talent. This would have to be one of my favourites. So in that case it had better head over to the library shouldn't it? ~AF~ "Love makes us poets and the approach of death should make us philosophers." ~ George Santayana |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
Like I already told you...I'm dumb...I don't understand a word of your poetry...I'm dumb...and the poems I throw together are just "dumb luck" if they turn out any good. www.angelfire.com/wv2/poetrycorner I'm just a girl looking at a guy asking him to love me |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Good song Alan...seems like everyone wants to be a songwriter nowadays keep em coming"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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Angel in Flight Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381 |
This was a wonderful song... One question for you though... Who wrote it? And don't say me. I want one of two names. ~Amanda Distiny~ The law of harvest is to reap more than you sow.Sow a habit and you reap a character.Sow a character and you reap a destiny [This message has been edited by Angel in Flight (edited 03-01-2001).] |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
The poem wasn't about me, Amanda. It was set in the story that I am creating... and as for who wrote it? Don't play favourites between good and evil, as you tend to do. Thanks everyone else, for your praise. Entry 3 is going poorly, I'll need some time for the destination. But it will happen, so hold onto the thought.  ~Allan Welcome to Planet Earth, where the angels tread on the land. ~~Allan, to Amanda. The sunshine hears you not. Speak to the shadows he creates. |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
wow! Such an aesthetic aspect here. Or at least I got that vibe... I am amazed that this all came together so well! You pulled it off very nicely. Thanks for sharing...~*~Jesilyn~*~ "Tell me why you cry" |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: Whatever floats you boat, lol. Anyhow, just thought I'd let y'all know that I'm back up online with my regular computer. I should be able to colaborate with you if you like. Anyhow, just for the record, though, I still think this is a great poem, whether syllable counts bad or not. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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