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Teen Poetry #4
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As You Walk Away
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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As You Walk Away |
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Chel Senior Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 511Baltimore, MD, USA |
I sit at home I hear the phone ring It's you You want to come over So of course I let you I am so happy to see you I hardly let you speak I was afraid of the words I was about to hear You say that it's over I can't believe it I tell you to get out As you walk away things don't look so good anymore You say you're sorry I am sorry to is all I can manage to say What more do you want You've ruined my life As I let you walk away... Hey guys, I need help with an ending, please give me ideas, or suggestions. I would really apperciate it. Unless you think it is okay the way it is. Thanx, Chel "True friends stab you in the front" "Never say 'I Love You' unless you mean it" |
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| © Copyright 2001 Michelle Y. Plocinik - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hey Chel, don't believe I've seen you post before. Nice to meatcha.  The ending would be more conclusive if you just perioded it instead of trailing it off. More confident, but if that is not what you felt then just ignore me.  Great job. I look forward to reading more. Keep your head up. If you ever need to talk to me or something, my email is made known. See you later. -Allan The unintelligent are merely tools for the intelligent. That would make my house a veritable toolshed. ~~Allan Riverwood [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 02-23-2001).] |
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Chel Senior Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 511Baltimore, MD, USA |
Thanx for your reply, Allan. I apperciate your comments. Chel "True friends stab you in the front" "Never say 'I Love You' unless you mean it" |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Actually, I like the trailing off It gives the poem it's own identity It's own character The poem is great as it is Even the ending fits reall good thanks for sharng So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought the poem was fine just the way it was written. NIcely done here chel. Quite the sad one.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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