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fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

0 posted 2001-02-15 02:52 PM

Outside was terror
From that concocted and fierce
Oppressor in some evil landscape.

But within the false
Security of walls I felt
Safe and protected.

Within were fierce confrontations with
The steady annoyance of
Adolescant life.

Dreams of wonderous
Advances in the making
Of false worlds lived within those walls.

Bold leaps forward in
The creation of tales to
Steer from a harsh world.

Wonderous, fun and great dark ages
Were lived in the confines
Of that house so small.

[This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 02-15-2001).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-02-15 07:41 PM

Nice job here, not your best but I find this to be very deep. I liked it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-02-15 07:49 PM

This wasn't all Senryu, but you used them in the technique. I already whined about what I find a fault in your senryu in my reply to your other post, so I'll keep my mouth shut.
The poem was great, yeah! But I have also seen better. Don't let it discourage you.
-Allan

When the sun dies, and the earth is thrown off its axis, the two of us will still, at that moment, be thinking of one another. ~~Allan, to Amanda

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-02-15 08:26 PM

i have one suggestion.
maybe a little less deep next time
maybe i'm just tired by now
tis pretty hard reading all the poems in the forum

great write Frac

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

anomaly187
Member

since 2000-06-15

Posts 284
San Francisco,CA,US

4 posted 2001-02-15 09:24 PM

well i thought this was good
no matter if you have written
better or not...thanks for
sharing the great post

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

5 posted 2001-02-15 11:19 PM

i liked it a lot...it was deep but thats always good... keep posting in this style because it is very intriguing

Jeremy

Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark.

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