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Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

0 posted 2001-02-13 07:51 PM

Together in Pain

She cries tears over nothing,
he hides his own in fear,
not wanting her to know
the pain's in him as well.

They sit alone staring,
just reading each other's thoughts
from the distance of the room,
as now his tear drops too.

Finally he gets up
and walks to her side,
he holds her in his arms,
never wanting to let go.

And both watch their tears
as they flow down,
never will they let go
of the love that's deep inside.

Lakewalker
September 30, 2000

Look mom, no rhyme!

It's from a few months ago and not based on anything in my own life. Just thought I'd post something with the idea of love in it for Valentine's Day. Tell me if it sucks or what can be changed.

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

1 posted 2001-02-13 07:59 PM

it was awesome. a great piece for valentines day. i dont think your poem really needs any help. it flows well. no rythming very kool.
Regina
i want to see more...

for those who say I'm their friend, u know me not well for if u did u would not stay around anymore to watch me fall away.

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

2 posted 2001-02-13 09:21 PM

yes yes....flow was perfect.... i didnt even notice it didnt rhyme because it was so nicely worded, etc...im glad to see you posting again

Jeremy

"Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark." - Jeremy Raulinaitis---'Fading Me Away'

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-02-13 09:43 PM

I didn't like this one that much, but it's better than some stuff here hehe.
Nice one though, I like it for the meaning of it all.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-02-14 04:56 PM

Hey, nice job! I tried to write a valentine's poem, but I ended up with something a bit... different. Well, you'll see, I'll post it later today.
Great job Lake! I hope you are still writing these days.
-Allan

When the sun dies, and the earth is thrown off its axis, the two of us will still, at that moment, be thinking of one another. ~~Allan, to Amanda

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-02-14 09:09 PM

i ditto JD
never noticed it didn't rhyme either
just flowed straight thru

who's mom?

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

6 posted 2001-02-15 08:31 AM

this is really great Lakey, no ryhmes or nothing. n e ways, g2g to torture (school) c ya around/

I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't.

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

7 posted 2001-02-15 03:10 PM

Thank you everyone for the replies!

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

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