»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #4
»
Bags of Inner Me (Advice needed)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
|
Bags of Inner Me (Advice needed) |
|
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair 
|
Even though I tell her not to consistently divulge sarcastic remarks, she does anyways... does this mean she doesnt like me anymore? Whatever...just tell me what you think may be going on...Enjoy.  ‘Bags of Inner Me’ My pungent heart, timid from your sarcasm Packs it’s bags; of organs and veins It relinquishes from my obstinate chest Releasing downcast clouds, and dripping rains Guillotine remarks, disjoint my emotions As the descending blade collapses banefully My force-field secures my existent organs And kills remarks from the ‘loving bully’ Off my heart maunders, to it’s own beat Drawing blanks of the cadence you bestowed Entering another abbreviated ruin of Loveland, Was my prevalent heart, as it proudly rode Depressingly, Jeremy "Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark." - Jeremy Raulinaitis---'Fading Me Away' |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I know exactly how you feel.....listen lemme tell you something.....my X would call me stupid and say I was selfish, and call me a dumb-butt.....haha...not a dumb-butt but you know what i'm saying......and she'd say I was a bad boyfriend and bla bla bla.....this was when she was stressed out and mad and needed somebody to yell at......BING, mE!!!! Yea she took it all back right after....but you know what? It messed up my self esteem and I still think I am everything she said to me during those moments of hostility. I know it hurts....but we must trod along the path and just keep going. Sorry it's happening to you too, but it doesn't mean she doesn't care.....maybe she's just stressed and taking it out on you. good luck!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
||
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Jeremy, just cause she makes sarcastic remarks doesn't mean she doesn't like you anymore. Everyone gets mad sometimes and sometimes they direct their anger towards the wrong people. Dont sweat it. just talk to her, and calm her down when she's mad and all that. great poem though. I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
i think we need to know when these remarks come. does she say it just all to often, or when she's had some bad day? if she says it often, maybe now you're seeing her true self. Sometimes, whether we admitt it or not, we don't really show the other person our true selves. We show them a person we think that one person would like. After time, the truth comes out if she's had a bad day, yes, it might not mean that she doesn't like you anymore. She might still do. But based on my personal experience, it meant the downfall of it all. So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. [This message has been edited by acire (edited 02-13-2001).] |
||
|
Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I don't know what to tell you, I haven't really gone through anything like that. The poem was excellent, and for some reason I love how you added "Depressingly, Jeremy" at the end of it. That may be cruel on my part, but it seemed to fit the poem so well. "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker [URL=http://www.thehungersite.com]http://www. |
||
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Aight, I love all the advice and stuff but Id like some criticism on the poem too! thanks!! Jeremy "Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark." - Jeremy Raulinaitis---'Fading Me Away' |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Truthfully, I liked it less than your previous post, although it has a somewhat similar style. Although the imagery in this one was also strong, for me, personally, it was hard to imagine what was going on in this piece, whereas in your previous poem, I could easily imagine a man walking down a street reflection on the meaning of before and after. In this poem, the rhyme seemed a bit forced... In a way, it felt like you changed the content to make it rhyme, it didn't read as smoothely as your previous poem. Still, I think that your originality is awesome and that you should keep working with this style. Your poems remind me a lot of Joseph Brodsky's work. If you haven't read his poetry, I suggest you do. I think you'd like it! Don't take my criticism too seriously though, as long as you like the poem, that all that matters! Your fellow poet, Me Check out my poetry here: http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master [This message has been edited by Master (edited 02-13-2001).] |
||
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
THANK YOU Master... It's weird because no one knew what I was talking about in that last post, and you didnt get this one... I guess your right... I cant write when Im mad, I force things. Thats my error... thanks for picking it out. I appreciate the constructive criticism. Thanks too all as well.... Jeremy Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
