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Teen Poetry #4
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The Journey(500th Post)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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The Journey(500th Post) |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hey, all. This is my 500th post. I decided I'd conduct yet another experiment, this time combining rhyme and senryu in each stanza. Hope it works out. Skies now are darkened, As I begin to embark Upon this journey. Rock and mud spurn me. Nevertheless I can see Wisdom ahead now. A great war is now Being fought on misty plains. I hide but learn still. I watch and watch, as men themselves do kill For land or faith or pay or something else That's of no value to the heart or soul. War's now taken tole Of innocent life and soul. Sky is brightening. All have died and now have lied to one To all about some stupid thing they call'd Glory. They fought with courage, They fought with might; But in the end, they Had not the courage To say "I'm sorry." And so, they died. Many have said die For your country. Why not live And write instead, for Your country, to make it great? [This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 02-02-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
very interesting poem style/combination keep doing it so you can get better at it there is always room for improvement yes, wouldn't it be nice if things could just be settled peacefully? Unfortunately, some matters still have to be dealt on with force. Maybe there will come a day in the future that we wouldn't have to. Your words kinda reminded me of what one ww2 general said. excluding the profanities, he said, "no soldier has won a war by dying for his country, he won it by letting the other soldier die for his." --- not quite the same, but it did remind me of this. I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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princess^sarah Member
since 2001-01-12
Posts 131melbourne |
oh my god that was so good |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This style is wonderful. It is a complicated style to master, and this is wonderful for a first try. The subject matter of this piece is very strong, and you project it well. Your words are so true. A magnificant 500th post!  "Where there is great love there are always miracles" -Cather "Love heals everything, and love is all there is"- Zukav |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I'm going to risk touching a nerve with a few people and say that Patriotism is an incredibly stupid concept to me. I don't see why we have to reinforce the barriers that separate the people by making assumptions that we are any different simply because of where we live. Patriotism does little more than create prejudice and war. I would much rather do something for the benefit of the Human race than for the pride of the country. Just my opinion. Congrats on Post #500. -Allan We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723 |
hmmm... Fractal, first of congrats on the big 5-0-0 I think war is an unfortunate thing. And saying that I will die for MY COUNTRY, is not something I would say. However I would die for the RIGHT CAUSE. It's unfortunate that lifes have to be sacrificed, but the world isn't perfect, YET. I think Allan said something very interesting, and very TRUE. So ditto to that too. So I guess my opinion is that yeah, WAR sucks, and fighting simply for your country dosn't make sence. But if their is unjustice happening in the world and it is to a degree that war would be justified, and there are no other options I am willing to fight for the right reasons. ~Jason To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I completely disgaree with Allan on that one. Puerto Ricans and Quebecois, which I happen to originate from, are both very patriotic people. They don't have patriotism to cause a barrier or a war, but rather it creates PRIDE of where you are from. The shear happiness of getting off a plane and walking on your land.....it feels great. Your heart melts just to be back home....smell the air.....feel the breeze, touch the floor.......everything. It's this internal fire that burns.....not to hurt and cause pain, but to shine a light. See.......there's PRIDE and patriotic people......then there's PRIDE and radicals.... don't let a few bad apples make the others look less than what they truly are. Fractal, wonderful job on the poem. Your expiramentation is admireable....Great job.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I ought to have said something more along the lines of "if you must try to make your country great, try living for it instead of dying." I think war can only be justified in extreme circumstances. I also think that people often go to war for the wrong reasons. In the case of the US, it's often because their national security is threatened, or their source of money is threatened. At least that's my opinion about what the Gulf War was about. It can also be argued that that was what happened in the second world war. As long as it wasn't our problem, we were ok with what Hitler was doing. At least it seems that way. |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
I totally agree with every word you just said. I have yet again found inspiration through someone elses work. Beautfiful style you obtain... Jeremy "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
 Congratulations on 500 I liked this style, it seems great to me. Nice job of writing this poem and getting thoughts going here. "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Fractal congrats on the 500th post.  This is a different style of writing and I must say that I did enjoy reading it this way. Don't even get me started on patriotism though!! When you have got a Prime Minister as stupid as ours, you learn to tune out of all that rubbish. ~AF~ "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Buddha |
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Angel in Flight Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381 |
Great poem and congrats on your 500th post! Interesting concept as well as style. Keep up the wonderful work. |
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