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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-06-20 12:08 PM

As I Play

Words turning
Air twisting round my lips
Forgotten jokes mingling with
This punchline i wrote
Look, why can i laugh
How can you frown?

They say the world turns
As I play
I don't see this world turn
As I play
Gentle on my back, the world seems
To be at bay
The more this world turns
The more i fade away

Entertaining presence to contemplate
Sarcasm internal;i don't mind
It is all in fun
All my time is for myself
Now this whispering butterfly
Wants me to fly away from the world

I look away from this turning world
Come what may
Sometimes I hate this world for turning
What did she say
She now hates this turning world
For taking her father away
Maybe if i play along with this burning world
I can stay
allow me
As I play

Let the tears make this world mud
stain this sand where I play
he can lose a brother (still i play)
she can miss a father (still i play)
I cry for them as I play
Because the world will turn anyway.
---------------------------------
Yeah I know, this message isn't exactly original. Not my best i feel.

"This is cactus land!!!"-T.S.Eliot

Words_of_Glitter
Member

since 2000-10-25

Posts 90
USA

1 posted 2001-06-20 12:45 PM

Hey...I really liked the lines about the world turning and the more you fade away. That whole stanza that deals with the turning world is really great!

"Do not marry the one that you can live with. Marry the one you cannot live without."

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-06-20 11:53 AM

I don't think this is your best, but I still really liked the poem. I agree with Words, the whole stanza about the more the world turns, the more you fade away really caught my eye. I think something that would make this poem better would be a consistant rhyme scheme. There were a few stanzas where alternating lines were rhyming, and others where the rhyme dropped altogether. Also, the second to last stanza seemed kind of choppy. I think that the repition of the word "world" threw off the flow a little. But I did enjoy this poem. Just a few points there that might make it a little better. Thanks for sharing this with us. Keep sharing all your work.

--Marie

"Imagine a pageant...
In my head the flesh seems thicker,
Sandpaper tears corrode the filth,
And I need you now somehow." --Silverchair

5_sweet_kisses
Junior Member

since 2001-04-20

Posts 49

3 posted 2001-06-20 05:54 PM

Coolioz Poem

Peeker

[This message has been edited by 5_sweet_kisses (edited 06-20-2001).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-06-22 02:32 AM

Great job here. You know I am a fan of your current pieces. I liked this one just fine although it was missing some Oomph to it that I couldn't quite pinpoint. Still it was such a wonderful poem. Loved it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

punkrockerrobin

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 1180
Sparks, NV

5 posted 2001-06-22 02:34 AM

peekers you crack me up with that baby! hey fozzyozzy(I LOVE THAT NAME!) great poem me likes.
robin

I AM WHAT I AM SO DEAL!

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