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Virus (villanelle)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Virus (villanelle) |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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(I wrote this in Biology class today... I'm unsure of the quality because it was written in school. Tell me what you think of it so far.  )"Virus" The doctor's hand another fortune tells he's singled out the microscopic beast the enemy is breeding in my cells My gag reflex is spewing warning bells evaporating toxins when released the doctor's hand another fortune tells Among the mitochondria he dwells upon the endoplasm does he feast the enemy is breeding in my cells Directing us to our respective hells with every time the dosage is increased the doctor's hand another fortune tells He leaves me to the dark, in dizzy spells with swelling wounds expanding as does yeast the enemy is breeding in my cells And as the tincture dwindles and dispels abandoning the villain unpoliced the doctor's hand another fortune tells the enemy is breeding in my cells |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This poem wasn't to my liking but that's just my personal opinion. I didn't think it had the Oomph most of your poems do.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i dont know what to say...it was definitly different...but still a nice write to say the least i'm addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yeah I know... school does that.  Kills the oomph... bad, bad school. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
bad bad school???.*sigh*..you have no idea what you're saying allan...hahaha... i miss bio class!!..i really do...brings back so many memories...*sighs deeply*.. as for the poem?..well i in fact did like the ending..the whole enemy in my cells thing...it was uncanny...i love your vocab.. ...i thought it was a good enough poem..but then what would i know?...
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
School bites out the oomph. It becomes what they serve in the cafeteria for lunch. Oomph and slop. Yummy. ANyways, I liked this one. The bells, cells, rhyming thing was cool and reminded me a tad of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Bells". I'm not sure why, but okay. Allan, this in a oomphless poem. But that doesn't mean it's not good. I know you're in a better place and though I cannot see your face, I know you're smiling down on me, saying everything's okay. ~R Kelly (I wish) |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
School is nothing short of EVIL  Although I did not care for this one as much as your others, these lines: "He leaves me to the dark, in dizzy spells with swelling wounds expanding as does yeast the enemy is breeding in my cells" were really, really good. Great even.  Well done, Allan. ~AF~ Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved." |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
this gave me flashbacks of biology  and thats not good. but i did like this  i loved the lines about 'the doctor's hand another furtone tells'..i think that was just bleah! good job allan!! *hugs* love ya bro!tiff  “A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.” |
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stace_co2003 Member
since 2001-03-30
Posts 497In a dream world |
I just got out of biology, and then you are gonna make me think of it!  I don't like this as much as I liked some of your others, but it's still a good job none-the-less.  Stace I'm just glad that now this rainstorm has ended, and I can see the rainbow once again. |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I liked it Allan, maybe not as much as your other work, but I thought it was still really good. These lines were nice: "the doctor's hand another fortune tells the enemy is breeding in my cells" It's not your best, but school is a great thing to blame it on! "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I agree that this hasn't got the usual something that the rest of your villanelles do but come on it's a very hard format to pull off and you did it very well, it is just not as good as your best ( isuppose we have high expectations from you Mr Riverwood)... anyway theres my two cents... Zu |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
NOOOO!! I take bio next year. Is this what it'll do to me? J/K!!! I didnt like it as much as your other poems, but it wasnt too bad. It had good flow and everything. *~*Amanda*~* |
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dramaqueen22086 Member
since 2001-05-05
Posts 50Hadlyme, CT |
great job again.  stars out of 5, i like it alot,bye hun ~!kellie!~ |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Of all the people at Passions, you are the one I'd expect to write a poem about a virus. The poem's structure was perfect, but the subject matter isn't exactly my favorite thing. (Although I'd better get used to it ) Anyway, not your worst, but not your best. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan!: Man, I keep thinking about what would happen if I were in biology class, writing poetry like this while the teacher was giving a lesson. LOL. I wonder if I'd have to read it in front of the class... This is a pretty sweet poem. Like the repetitions. Though I don't know if the line The enemy is breeding in my cells is iambic. But still, it doesn't have to be perfect, but the poem itself is pretty dang good. I think I will try my hand at villanelle myself. BTW, have you ever read Dylan Thomas's villanelle Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night? That's a really good one. I was just wondering, because you seem to like writing villanelles a lot. Email me about this. lol, sorry, lost ICQ to a computer crash. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Woooo-eee! Good word choices, but lacking that certain pizzaz....I still loved it though.  ~Carly "Go outside and use your own eyes. You'll be surprised to see things you've never been taught..." |
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katherine Member
since 2000-06-10
Posts 365Canberra Australia |
school bad defiatly think we should get rid of school We all make mistakes. We all cause others pain. DEAL |
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia |
this reminded me more of English class actually(the villanelle part). i was debating with myself wehter or not to try it. Now it looks like i gotta work harder just to meet the standard you set. I like this poem. It is to me (i excuse) "cute". School is definitely one of those things that gets in the way of creativity. Me? Personally, i write most of my stuff during German class. "The heart can think of no devotion |
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