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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2001-05-22 05:28 PM

DANGER!

Emotion overload,
Danger I’ll explode,
Acidic I corrode,
Facing up to you,

Emotion overspill,
Feeling very ill,
Lying very still,
Nothing left to do,

Emotion overdose,
Nothing came so close,
Rubbing it in your nose,
It smells so true,

Emotion overtake,
Nothing but a fake,
From a sleep I wake,
And how I grew,

I became the bigger man,
You lost another fan,
I spoilt your master plan,
And now your blue.

Zu

[This message has been edited by Marshalzu (edited 05-23-2001).]

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2001-05-22 05:37 PM

I really think this is very cool. The rhythm is great in some parts, although sometimes it's a little off. But great work!

obscurity of cloud
Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....

2 posted 2001-05-22 06:07 PM

Very interesting rhyme scheme. Overall, a very well put together piece.

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2001-05-22 09:39 PM

I absolutely love this kind of ryhme scheme. You did it very well. I thought you wrote the poem with a kick booty kinda style. Well done!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

4 posted 2001-05-22 09:50 PM

I became the bigger man,
You lost another fan,
wow....another great one form you andrew!!!...i love that line...thank you for a great read!

"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

5 posted 2001-05-23 02:08 AM

the rym was excellent...and great job on writing this Zu...i really enjoyed this a lot as it also was very true...keep writing...

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Terryloveiris_85
Member

since 2001-04-23

Posts 61
The middle of nowhere

6 posted 2001-05-23 07:40 PM

MAN i love your work! this was so awesome (in my opinion)

i really loved this!
~IRIS

i'd give eternity to be by your side-goo goo dolls/City of Angels soundtrack

goodness is found in the heart, not the money.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

7 posted 2001-05-24 12:30 PM

Not bad, Zu, but I didn't enjoy it much. "Emotion overload" didn't exactly work for me, it sounded kinda like a theme for a backstreet boys song.

Just my humble opinion is all.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

8 posted 2001-05-24 04:51 PM

Don't worry I agree Allan very Nsync... but maybe they right their own poetry...

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