Prescription Lens - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

peanogrl83
Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 202

0 posted 2001-01-22 10:38 PM

Okay, here's the deal people. I can afford to disgust you all with my work about once a week. My apologies again, but pain in the form of bad poetry will condition you to appreciate the good work present in the rest of the forum. :.)
Vreni

Prescription Lens

Trolley ride royale to hell and back,
Sets its course, but runs off track.
Loving ways and psychobabble,
Prickly games, soul-show Scrabble.
Windows shine with trapping’s rain,
Discord tricks pock lunar plane.
Dart of Abaris perception fights,
Crinkled position of lust contrite.
Supple excuses for reason abound,
Thorned illusion of fester crowned.
Swollen bands of cradled sin,
Hangman’s cult festooned within.
Swooning trees with iced dismay,
Control trajects platonic assay.
Placid temple of morning fails,
As Night’s darkness the sun now hails.

[This message has been edited by peanogrl83 (edited 01-22-2001).]

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-01-22 10:53 PM

Nice but...
You've done better.
Nice though. I liked each line individually, but for me this all lacked unity.

-Allan

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

2 posted 2001-01-23 03:45 AM

*L* What a lovely introduction. How could you dare disgust us with your work? *tsk* Don't you know us better than that? *L*

I agree with Allan on the individual lines. Each one presented its own uniqueness. Especially,
"Prickly games, soul-show Scrabble."
For some reason I read this and it practically jumped off the page at me. You know how you just see one liners that you will remember forever, this was one of those lines.

Nice writing here, too bad its in the form of "bad poetry". *L*

~AF~

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
Buddha

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2001-01-23 06:18 AM

"Swollen bands of cradled sin,
Hangman’s cult festooned within. "

This is an great poem Vreni ... your rhyme and meter are flawless, well done!

Best wishes,
/Kit

Lucius Cade
Member

since 2000-03-23

Posts 235
Saskatchewan

4 posted 2001-01-23 01:23 PM

I agree with anonymous. When I read Prickly Games, Soul-Show Scrabble, it jumped out, and I had to read it over about 6 times. Overall good poem.

Lucidity is the answer to all problems

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-01-23 05:41 PM

Nice poem here vreni! I liked it a lot....I liked the word "psychobabble".......impressed me hehe. Anyway I'm surprised to see you take time out of yer busy day to come back and post in here. Nice to read!!! Much love and hope to talk to you soon!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Greeneyes617
Member

since 2000-11-22

Posts 329
Arkansas

6 posted 2001-01-23 05:47 PM

Thanks for sharing...I liked it...Very different.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

7 posted 2001-01-24 05:55 PM

vreni --- to tell you the truth, i'm a little ost on this one. A little help would be much appreciated...thanks

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.