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Teen Poetry #4
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A dirty infantry. (Paradelle)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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A dirty infantry. (Paradelle) |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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A dirty infantry. Tired are the infantry Tired are the infantry We do the dirty work We do the dirty work We are the dirty infantry Do the tired work Shovels are our weapons Shovels are our weapons Digging in so deep Digging in so deep So deep in shovels Our weapons are digging Dying in our graves Dying in our graves See our Union Flag See our Union Flag See our Union dying Graves in our flag We see our tired flag Digging in our union Shovels do the work Dirty are the weapons So infantry are dying In our deep graves " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hmm... now I know you are still learning Paradelle but you already do it nicely. I have a few points of advice for you. For the most part my advice involves use of ~commas~, which can really help to make a Paradelle make more sense. Like... "We, the dirty infantry, do the work are tired" That set of lines would make more sense. See what I'm saying about commas? Try to use them in a few other places as well. Oh and if you're having trouble making your paradelle make sense, reword a few parts of the first lines so that you have different words available. There's nothing wrong with that.  ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thanks Allan I've taken your advise under consideration and I should have this one reworked as well soon. " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
this is a really neat and difficult format, i'm glad that you like it so much. i really enjoy reading these so i hope you keep working with this format and posting all your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I see Allan has gotten his influence on you  You did a good job Zu keep sharing my friend "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
great paradelle...i liked it...you allan and some other peole are really getting into exploring other formats(even tho..allan probably knows all  ).. but thats good and keep sharing them..  ...?if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry" |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey i liked this...graves in our flag" has to be the best line. kind of captures the whole civil war (for me anyway) well great job on the poem! -fear- |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thank you all for all the replies Zu |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I enjoyed this one and I know you can do so much better along with some guidance on how to work this style well. I know you can do so very well and I hope to see some more.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Thanks Dopey... I might just seek some guidance. " The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots" -Thomas jefferson |
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vixengrl04 Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495East Haddam, CT |
I've seen this form quite a few times on here, and I think it's rather interesting. I don't think that I, myself, would be able to write something like this, but you did it really well. ~*Nikki*~ ~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~ |
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