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Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

0 posted 2001-05-09 03:21 PM

(This poem is ancient. November 2000. And I do know that it only half rhymes, I ment it to)

Tomorrow I'll go back to being me
Twisted up with you inside
I'd forgotten who I used to be
How I'd make myself smile
When nights were warm
And stars winked and sparkled
I've forgotten how to dance
Amid droplets of silver rain
I don't even know what I'm doing here again
Every forlorn glance
Makes me more uneasy
Not a chance of turning back now
It's too late for your apologies
Redundant? No, I'm feeling very much the same
As I was when I was caught up in your games
Not a chance, not a chance
I'll ever forget again
What it is with you
That makes me feel I'm a character
I can't take the sun
My life is between dusk and dawn
And teary-eyed rain
You're beautiful still
Even if what I feel is wrong
And not once can I imagine
Me not being a part with you
But never anymore again
Though I can't remember
What it is I used to be
Tomorrow I'll go back to being me

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-05-09 03:55 PM

"What it is I used to be
Tomorrow I'll go back to being me"
that ended the poem nicely..i liked how you express your in this poem..great job and keep writing...and november of 2000

..hehe tahts when i started to write so that makes me ancient also doesnt it

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

vixengrl04
Member

since 2001-04-26

Posts 495
East Haddam, CT

2 posted 2001-05-09 05:54 PM

This is really interesting, I liked it alot.

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

3 posted 2001-05-09 07:55 PM

ancient poems are fun to dust off and give a second look sometimes. i keep saying that i'm going to post some of the work i did a long time ago just for fun but i never seem to get around to it. anyway, you did a great job on this, keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-05-09 10:10 PM

Hmm... I don't like free verse personally, and you all know this.
However there was one piece of the syntax of this poem that caught my attention.  You used creative spacing to isolate the word "anymore."
I pondered that ENTIRELY too long (check the distance between the times in this reply and the one to the last poem I read) and concluded that it was very clever... very clever because it was a pause that was almost unconscious when reading... it created a pause that would only be noticed to certain reading styles.
This created a reading diversity that was very unique...
I love that technique you created.  A LOT.
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

5 posted 2001-05-11 11:56 PM

I personally love free verse
and don't listen to Allan

i though this was a really interesting read
Maybe, if you add more thoughts to each line, it would help you more
just my thoughts

thanks for sharing

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

sweetstuff101
Member

since 2000-07-27

Posts 375
OK, USA

6 posted 2001-05-12 12:41 PM

This is awesome...I really enjoyed reading it! Prolly cuz i can relate...well anyway...keep up the awesome work & keep writin!!

Lotsa Love,
~*~SweetStuff~*~

SuMdAy U'll CrY 4 mE bUt I wOn'T cRy 4 U, sUmDaY U'll MiSs Me LiKe I MiSsD U, SuMdAy Ull nEeD mE LiKe I nEeDed U, sUmDaY U'll lUv Me BuT I wOn'T LuV U

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

7 posted 2001-05-13 04:01 PM

I really liked this one too. I like free verse, so I had no problem with it. Keep it up!

*~*Amanda*~*

My tears roll right down my cheeks, but they all soak into my pillow. I feel kinda sorry for it...

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

8 posted 2001-05-13 05:14 PM

This is a very emotional piece, and I love that about a poem. I also love free verse, but I really think that the wording and emotions would work really well if you used metimic scheme. Something worth working on, my friend! Thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

9 posted 2001-05-18 02:05 PM

I LOVED this, and i love freeverse. I thought this was completely filled with tons upon tons of emotion. Very well done. I liked it a lot.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

thedarkangel
Member

since 2001-05-12

Posts 74
~*~the cutest~*~

10 posted 2001-05-18 02:07 PM

this was awsome. i loved it! keep posting!
love peace and eyeliner
angel
-x-

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