untilted(need some help with it)

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katherine
Member

since 2000-06-10

Posts 365
Canberra Australia

0 posted 2001-04-18 06:09 AM

not one of my best i realise also not one of my worst. all it is is pretty much how whats happening is effecting me

With out you here to keep me sane i feel i'm loosing it.
I hate being alone.
I hate being scared.

Last night I just couldn't cope.
I tryed to carm down but talking to Jerry just hurt. He used to be there. He used to be a friend. But now.......

I don't really care, well i guess i kinda do. I just can't cope with much right now.

It's true what they say the past does come back to haunt you.............always....
without fail........

I know I need to stop running. I just don't think I can.....

'Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.'

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

1 posted 2001-04-18 06:27 AM

it had some thoughts...
in it but something really lacked.
hmmm.....maybe the format didn't fit the poem like puttin so much in one line
and also some cliches....
other then that nice job
...keep writing

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

2 posted 2001-04-18 01:13 PM

I think that you could make this better by a little rewriting and a little bit of expansion on this theme. as far as a title goes i like "running from memory" for this but that's just a suggestion. anyway, keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

katherine
Member

since 2000-06-10

Posts 365
Canberra Australia

3 posted 2001-04-18 08:26 PM

i do know this one is shocking i hate it!

'Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.'

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-04-19 02:19 AM

It's written in a style that's pretty out there. It's very straight forward and to the point. It's fine. Lets me peek into yer life without all the filtering of metaphors and the like.
I hope things get better for you!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

lonely*soul
Member

since 2001-04-05

Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)

5 posted 2001-04-19 07:53 AM

you guys i dont think she was going for the full blow type of poem..leave a lil to the imagination ya know??? i think it was a good oem short, and uneven...like they said, but since i think you meant to do that, ^{great job_{" im surrounded by people, but yet im still all alone"}}

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

6 posted 2001-04-19 09:50 AM

This is a good poem, but I'll agree with Albert and say it is lacking something.. not quite sure. Maybe you could expand on the idea a little more? Also, I think this poem could use more line breaks, instead of having one real long line, and one short, and so on.
Nice job, though, and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Angel Bee
Member

since 2001-01-30

Posts 176
Virginia

7 posted 2001-04-19 09:57 AM

This was good. I think it needs something more, but I'm not sure what. :o) Good job though, keep writing!!
~ab~

*~Sometimes just holding hands is holding on to everything.~*

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