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Teen Poetry #4
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who can save me?
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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who can save me? |
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
Who can save me? No one can, All my friends, Not a single one. Who know me best? None of them, I’m tired of fighting, Who is fighting me? Finish me please, I can’t go on, My strength is depleting, My soul is not strong, I stop believing, I’m all alone, All my life, Days and nights, Hear me shout, Let me out, Let me go, Of your control, I’m so weak, What do I seek? I want to be free, Of all my pains, My sorrow, Mostly, All me misery, Who are you? Do you know me? How can that be? I don’t know me, Am I dreaming? Let me sleep, I like to not feel anything, I am suffering, How about you? I can’t cry, What can I do? Can you teach me? I’m a fool, What are you doing? Why are you here? Just stop caring, Get out of here, For I am alone, And that is fine with me, It has always been this way, Since everyday, Of my life, Think about it, I am right, I can’t be save, I see the light, But it is blocked, So I knocked, But I can’t get in, For I have sin, And everything, Will be lost, And my soul, Never more, And you, Forever more, Will watch me, Spend eternity, In hell, Oh well. |
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| © Copyright 2001 chas - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yeah! Very cool poem. I liked the last two lines, they were spiffy! As for critiques, I'd say the lines were a bit too short here. Maybe give the poem a bit less verticality? Just my opinion.  ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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JBaker515
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458Dartmouth College |
Chas, i liked it a lot, i also agree with Alan!! Jeff |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Not your best, but nonetheless a good read.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
yup a good poem but not your best keep writing |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
The last two lines were indeed very cool and this was a good read. The use of shorter lines makes your poems flow very nicely, just don't get locked into the style permanently. great job, keep posting. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Great job! I know how you feel, but remember, theres always someone who cares if you give them the chance! *If the only place I can live my dreams is in my sleep, then I'll sleep forever!* |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This is a nice poem. The only suggestion I would make is one that has already been mentioned, I think that the lines here are too short. Try combining them together.. Thanks for sharing, and nice job. --Marie |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
This had so much feeling and emotion in it. Excellent...absolutely excellent!! I dont think n e 1 knows the real me..everyone thinks they do and thinks they can fix me but they have another thing coming then. I feel the way u do most of the time and i guess it sux...just try and stay strong. Like i said b4...Excellent poem! |
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Linc
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552The Backstreet Boy |
Hey, Superb nuff said -- Linc "Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment." |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
Man, this was good.This is the first one I have read from you and I am extremely impressed. Hope things go better. I am in the same boat so I wish you luck.This one's in the library. Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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