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Their Father's Green Eyes.....a story poem
| Open Poetry #12 |
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Their Father's Green Eyes.....a story poem |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
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(I have been reworking this poem and would appreciate any helpful feedback you can give...thank you.) Their Father's Green Eyes She tried to picture something small under the soft brown curl of her hair, a brain tumor, pea sized, the doctor had called it, possibly malignant. She had never thought one word could have such impact. No, she thought picturing her two sons. Who would love them ever, as much as she did? From the antiseptic room and the MRI, driving, driving, she passed green trees and gardens, a woman with a hose, young and shapely in shorts, watering the shrubs roses and petunias of a normal, healthy life, an ordinary life. She wanted an ordinary life. That night, her husband’s, callused work-worn hands moved across the soft plane of her belly, and for a moment everything was alright. But later, the window open and the crickets singing, she lay awake with aching loss. She saw time’s steady march into a future, quiet as a tongue licking velvet cat paws, after the kill. That morning, her face in the three way mirror went on and on into the room. A crowd of me, she thought and touched the cold glass. Into the room she walked, sure that her face held the horror of her future. Lying on the rug, was her child, methodically chewing a piece of gum. Straw hair, bleached in places around his face tongue slipped between lips, as he drew. The chocolate ice cream around his mouth, the ink drawings on his arm the grass stains on his knees were evidence of a life apart from her. His brother burst blooming like flowers into the room, when he smiled, a gap where his front teeth had been. Then an ease came to her center as their father’s green eyes reflected in these two faces became her determination. [This message has been edited by Martie (edited 03-19-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
Martie--I love this, hope you continue with the story of this family....it captivated me....I'm not much of a critic (sorry), but good job. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I think it's excellent, Martie. It is a fact that strength and determination can overcome many obstacles..and the determination of a mother to see her children grow up must be one of the strongest... |
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Trillium
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
I don't think you need change a thing! It has much impact just as it is. Betty Lou Hebert |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
My dear, you've said it all.... |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Martie, Wonderful write, agree with Balladeer. *L* |
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Jellybean King Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 153Jelly, Bean |
This is really excellent writing...I love how you take the reader on a journey from sadness to hope. I loved these lines: "She saw time’s steady march into a future, quiet as a tongue licking velvet cat paws, after the kill." "His brother burst blooming like flowers into the room, when he smiled, a gap where his front teeth had been." Thank you for sharing! Jellybean King |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Oh, Martie... I don't know how this could be better!! When a poem grips you from the first word until the last and you care passionately about the characters, mourn in their grief and cheer for their determination... what more could there be? *S* Oh... and did I mention that it flows perfectly? *G* |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
That night, her husband’s, callused work-worn hands moved across the soft plane of her belly, and for a moment everything was alright. But later, the window open and the crickets singing, she lay awake with aching loss. She saw time’s steady march into a future, quiet as a tongue licking velvet cat paws, after the kill. ======================== the only way to make this better... is to give us MORE ...*S*... the detail and imagery was equal to watching it happen. powerful, emotional and captivating write Martie. hugs, me We wish ourselves beautiful, |
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Wilfred Yeats Member Elite
since 2000-08-04
Posts 2704Wilmington, Delaware |
you sure don't pull any punches - - and yet in spite of the horror of your subject - - it is poetry - and beautifully written as well |
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