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Open Poetry #12
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Through the Gate
| Open Poetry #12 |
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Through the Gate |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Through the Gate Virginia Salter through the gate is a wilderness unmet and untamed, by the knowledge I am holding, by the promise I’ve yet to claim. should I venture forward seek its potential cream or might it mar and maim what I’ve left of my dream though the gate be made of iron attached to wood, splintered and worn, covered with verdant ivy and roses clad with thorns should I step right on through it should I make my valiant move for what am I looking what do I seek to prove I look around for my answer and deep within my heart weigh the choice of remaining with the loss should I depart might I grow in stature might my mission be conceived must I stay one part of passion should I decide I will not leave is it my voice that’s calling or the One I seek to believe I shall put one foot forward leave to Him what I receive the sound of my footsteps seem in rhythm to His will they echo of His promise to remain with me still more boldly do I go now into this wilderness my heart is truly gladdened for I sense His sweet caress © August 17. 2000 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Virginia, I loved this. You encourage critique, may I suggest a few changes for flow? Ok, here they are  through the gate is a wilderness UNCONQUERED; NOT YET TAME by the knowledge I am holding, by the PROMISES I CLAIM. should I JUST venture forward SEEKING ALL potential cream or WOULD it mar and maim THE BALANCE of my dream I SEE A GATE OF iron attached TO SPRINTERS worn, AND COVERED verdant ivy A ROSE ALIVE FROM THORN. should I STEP BOLDLY THROUGH it should I make my valiant move WHY AM I SEARCHING, looking what do I seek to prove I TURN around for ANSWERS and deep within my heart I weigh the choice; remaining FROM the loss should I depart I LONG TO GROW IN stature A MISSION TO CONCEIVE must I stay one part passion should I DECIDE TO leave DO I HEAR MY OWN SOUND calling or the One THAT I believe I WILL put one foot forward leave to Him what I receive the sound of my OWN footsteps seem in rhythm to His will they ECHO ALL HIS promiseS REMAINING WITH ME still boldly do I go now into this wilderness my heart is truly gladdened I sense His sweet caress I didn't mean to get carried away but I feel that verbs and nouns should carry a poem and I worked on some of the prepositional phrasing also. Writing in the present tense is usually a good rule of thumb, although there is poetic license always! Also the pattern of rhyming in the second and fourth lines should (in my opinion) be consistently perfect if starting out that way. OH, boy I do get into this, don't I? The wilderness theme is a special one for me, personally, and I hope you don't mind my critique. It means I loved it!!! "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee [This message has been edited by Kathleen (edited 02-15-2001).] |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Interesting and thought-provoking suggestions. I'll have to ponder them. I've not enough time right now to make sure the original intent is not changed. The one quick thing, the adding of the word 'just' is a red flag. I often use that word and have been repeatedly told that 'just' just isn't for poetry. I truly thank you for your ideas and want to give warrant to considering them. Virginia |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Very interesting Virgina...James |
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Poeminister Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862Regina SK; Canada |
Wonderful, i find this is one of my top favorites of the works that i've read of you. It reads beautifully aloud, in its rhymework and flow. Excellent writing. Poeminister "The soul can split the sky in two, And let the face of God shine through." ~Millay [This message has been edited by Poeminister (edited 02-15-2001).] |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I think it's very well done as it reads although some of Kathleen's suggestions had their merit...but all in all a very well written piece.....take care Reality seldom bears the possibilities of imagination! |
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