»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #12
»
More Precious
| Open Poetry #12 |
|
More Precious |
|
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
More Precious Virginia Salter Blue Fairy in the Velveteen Rabbit said, “Tears can only come from REAL feelings.” Is that how I’m to judge? As tears flow in grief, as tears flow in glee which are the tears you’ve shed ‘cause of me? Have I touched your heart with both sides of the coin? Do happiness and sorrow in your heart so join? The words that you say, are they only true, when tears on your pillow reflect the you of you? Then looking deep within the heart and thoughts in me, are tears the thermometer to guage who I truly be? As Rabbit became real from the love that made him so, have I become real by the pain that made you go? Being real, being loved are treasures to behold; More than silver, more than platinum, yes, more precious than pure gold. © January 11, 2001 This is not as full nor as powerful as I want it. Suggestions? |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
I'm booting this up because I'm really hoping for suggestions in how to get rid of the clichés in the last stanza and still say what I want to say. |
||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
VAS~ I saw this on page two and was coming for it.......  I want you to know I thought it was perfect and convied your feelings very well...... -SEA |
||
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thank you, SEA, but "treasures to behold" and "more precious than gold" have been done to death. I think this can have more power if I can change those. But at least what this says has reached you, that's important. |
||
|
SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
VAS~ ok.......well I have an idea....... "Being real,being loved speaks volumes~ untold more wanted than treasure your hand to hold" whatcha think? -SEA |
||
Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
Being real, being loved are treasures to behold; More than silver, more than platinum, yes, more precious than pure gold. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ well I love it this way.....it shows your thoughts and feelings very well. ((hugs)) Charisma |
||
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks, SEA, I like it. And Charisma, thank you, I like it, too, as it does say what I want to say, but those phrases are used so much, I'm afraid for many it detracts from the strength of the piece. I certianly appreciate the read and the comments from both of you! |
||
|
jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Hey, this was great VAS!! Loved the images; all of it. Real quick couple of adlibs... Then looking deep within the heart and thoughts in me, are tears the thermometer (measure vs thermometer) to guage who I truly be? ~~~ The words that you say, are they only true, when tears on your pillow reflect the you of you? ( reflect the "essence" of you) ~~~ Being loved, being real, such treasures to behold; Cast them in silver, in platinum, better yet, in the purest of gold. Have fun... jwesley [This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 01-13-2001).] |
||
|
maxtec1 Senior Member
since 2000-12-09
Posts 577Garland, Tx |
Vas this is wonderful as all your writing always is. I enjoyed the read. Love and light, Richard |
||
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Thanks, jwesley, those are great suggestions, though I'll pass on the last one. I like the flow of it, but they are, too me, much more than pure gold. However, I think I can incorporate what you've said and still get the flow and the power of the meaning I want there. I'll work on it and let you know. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks, Richard, for reading and your sweet, kind words. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
