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Open Poetry #7
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Shadow (haiku)
| Open Poetry #7 |
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Shadow (haiku) |
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Joannak Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 121Indiana, USA |
Under a full moon ~ two bodies, join together become one shadow jk What better way to become immortal than to wake up each day and write? Ray Bradbury |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joannak - All Rights Reserved | |||
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EagleOne Member Elite
since 2000-03-07
Posts 2829Between a laugh and a tear... |
I like this one very much, thanks for sharing.  Not all those who wander are lost. ~J.R.R. Tolkien |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
Welcome to passion,nice poem!!!! |
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Beki Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569Newport Beach, CA, USA |
this is beautiful, one suggestion...haiku is never repetitive, and saying "join together" is a waste of syllables. BEcause ifthey are joined we naturally assume it is together, is redundant to say so. You can write it with less than 17 syallables, something like Under a full moon ~ two bodies join, become one shadow. but it is better for the second line to be longest so you could format it under a full moon - two bodies join, become one shadow. or you could add syllables to the second line, describing a little more.... just a thought. |
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Mike Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462 |
Enjoyed your poem. |
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brandondinsmore Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 142OKC, OK |
Actually, Becki, I think that you are straying from the true form of the Haiku. But, either way, it is a good one, and I like it' sdifference...Good job, my poet. |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
Joanna, This is great! It doesn't matter to me if it is Haiku or Senryu, it is still good. Inclan |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Joanna~ Your thoughts are unique ... and I like your thoughts very much. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] |
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mariee66 Senior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 596Recess, OfYourMind |
This is great~ I love reading your work~ Marie~ |
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Beki Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569Newport Beach, CA, USA |
Brandon, there is much more to haiku then the 5-7-5 syllable count and it has long been accepted, even required in some places, for English haiku to be shorter (more like 6-4-6,) because of the differences in our languages (english and japanese)...17 japanese syllabes would translate more like 13-14 in english. But the fact is the syllable count is really the least important attribute of the form, which I studied extensively for 2 years, so you see this is something I know about.In fact, it is probably what I know MOST about when it comes to writing poetry. Interesting INclan should mention senyru, because it more truly is a senyru poem. The difference is a haiku's theme is the nature of the universe while a senyru's theme is the nature of man BUT as INclan says, it is a wonderful poem in either case, I never meant to imply it wasn't. Just thought you could tighten it up a little.Sorry if anyone found that offensive. |
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