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Open Poetry #8
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The Colors Of Freedom
| Open Poetry #8 |
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The Colors Of Freedom |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! 
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Hi, everyone, I need a little help with this piece! There are afew lines that just keep bugging me, they are marked with an * Thank you in advance for your help  Oh, Timeless, Symbol of freedom You've flown your colors true Ever soaring proudly high The red, the white and the blue Whenever I chance to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died For the hope that you gave* Always there as a symbol Of the future they did seek* What they were fighting for The promise of liberty The hope of the new life That they would soon begin You weren't just another flag* To those tired and lonely men To them you were a sign Of the dream they dared to chase To build a future of equality For all God's human race To them I write this in homage And as a tribute to you The colors of my freedom The red, the white and the blue All my love, Jeffrey I lie awake in a world filled with dreams, but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jeffrey D. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
Great work Jeffrey, especially with the Fourth of July coming up. How 'bout these lines: Whenever I chance to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died The ones who were so brave Always there as a symbol Of their dream to one day befree What they were fighting for The promise of liberty The hope of the new life That they would soon begin You were more than just a flag To those tired and lonely men I hope I've helped. Elizabeth I'm grabbing my hat and coat I'm leaving the cat a note Quick call me a ferry boat-getting out of town! |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Jeff, This was awesome! Loved the theme of this piece. As always your work is extrodinary...i did a little dabling too... heres what i came up with Whenever I chance to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died And the freedom they did save Always there as a symbol Of independence and unity What they were fighting for The promise of liberty The hope of the new life That they would soon begin You weren't just a mere flag To those tired and lonely men Hope you like. I tried anyway. Take care, Amy P.S. I liked your lines too. "Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is before you can meet again. And meeting again after a moment or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends." "Fate exists but it can only take you so far, Because once you're there It's up to you to make it happen." |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
Jeffrey, Very patriotic poem my friend. Love it. Took a stab at those lines. How about: Whenever I chance to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died So the way could be paved Always there as a symbol Of justice and integrity What they were fighting for The promise of liberty The hope of the new life That they would soon begin You weren't just an ordinary flag To these tired and lonely men Wonderful writing my friend. I like yours, hope you like mine. LOL LW Friends are friend forever if the Lord's the Lord of them and a friend will not say never cause the welcome will not end. --Michael W. Smith |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Thanks to you all for your help Let's see if anyone else wants to add anything All my love, Jeffrey I lie awake in a world filled with dreams, but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
Jeffrey~ Wonderful read...patriotic indeed, good to see I didn't have a go at dabbling as the others did a fine job and I like every single version of your poem that they all wrote See Ya Tracie~ Love is the life of the soul... It is the harmony of the universe |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Hi Jeffery I agree with Tracie66 I think the others have done a fine job with their suggestions. I like the whole idea of the poem and there was'nt too much wrong with it in the first place. |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Your patriotic heart rings true here through and through Jeffrey ... beautifully penned! I played a little too, I'm amazed at how many versions you can have with all these minds working away ... everyone's suggestions are splendid, including your original! Whenever I chance to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died For the land, the free, the brave. Always there, a symbol of The futures they did seek And what they fought for valiantly, 'Twas promised liberty. The hopes and dreams of new life Re-enforced and proved to them ... You were not just "another" flag To those tired and lonely men. Have fun Jeffrey ... thanks for asking us to dabble, it was fun! Best wishes, /Kit [This message has been edited by Kit McCallum (edited 06-24-2000).] |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Jefferey, Thanks for the chance to help a fellow poet. I cant honestly say yours needs to be improved upon but here goes... Whenever I cahnce to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died For the courage that you gave. Always there as a symbol Of what they were fighting for The promise of liberty For themselves and so many more The hope of a new life That they would soon begin You werent just another promise To these sad and lonely men |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
WOW!!! You all have come up with some remarkably fitting lines  Thank you for all your help I will mull this over for a bit and then post another reply with the finished work All my love, Jeffrey |
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JulieAnn Senior Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 754Earth 3rd Rock from the sun!! |
Very good poem from the start....all of these version are just great.....so i think I will refrain from any more suggestions as you already have alot to decide from and what a hard decision it is going to be!! Have fun!!!  Julie :) |
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Lorraine Nisbet Member
since 2000-05-18
Posts 218Jersey City, NJ USA |
Jeffrey~ Great read...very patriotic..I thought it was fine as it is! ~Lorraine A great poet is nothing more....than a discovered amateur |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Ok, here is the finished work, Please , feel free to tell me what you think Again, Thank you all for your invaluable help, I am truly greatful Color Of Freedom Oh, Timeless, Symbol of freedom You've flown your colors true Ever soaring proudly high The red, the white and the blue Whenever I chance to look upon And see your banner wave I think of those who proudly died For the hope that you gave Always there as a symbol Of the future they did seek What they fought for so valiantly 'Twas promised liberty The hope of the new life That they would soon begin You weren't just "another" flag To those tired and lonely men To them you were a sign Of the dream they dared to chase To build a future of equality For all God's human race To them I write this in homage And as a tribute to you The colors of my freedom The red, the white and the blue < !signature--> All my love, Jeffrey [This message has been edited by Jeffrey Carter (edited 06-26-2000).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I had written this before I saw your final version...it concerns the 3rd verse Please don't think it just a symbol, Let it remind us what they did seek The principles they shed their blood for are those that keep alive the promise of liberty |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Prometheus, WOW I think I now have a new 3rd verse Thank you m'friend All my love, Jeffrey |
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