ctritical feed back on short poem please

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Open Poetry #8

ctritical feed back on short poem please

The Mike Sacks
Member

since 1999-08-29

Posts 129
brooklyn ny

0 posted 2000-06-11 07:25 AM

for ne1 who knows my style of writing this change has come over many months. Please give me your critical analisys on anything and everything but spelling..i hate spelling

If you can't see the way i feel,
you must be blind.
every move you make,
and thought you say,
leaves me in lightless mind.
I see no conclusion,
in lifes disilusions.
that could show me where to find,
the day or night,
of endless might,
to tell you your gentel and kind.

Mike Sacks
june 11th 00

One day I will be famous and all the people who were ever my friends will have me by there side when ever they need me to be there.

And all the people who are there talking behind my back an saying stuff bout me,will never see me again,and to all of them this is wat i have to say

"Yeah, now I'm big and important
One angry dwarf and 200 solemn faces are you
If you really want to see me check the papers and the TV
Look who's telling who what to do
Kiss my *** goodbye"

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

1 posted 2000-06-11 10:24 AM

This poem expresses a universal feeling many people have when in a relationship. These lines were particularly effective....

"I see no conclusion,
in life's disillusions" (i took the liberty of correcting your spelling)

and
"the day or night,
of endless might"

If you want more extensive feedback, you should post in Critical Analysis forum, btw... you won't get 'feedback' in Open because this forum isn't really set up for it.

Sorry about the spelling corrections... I did read your comment about hating spelling and not wanting that type of feedback... but.... spelling counts. Sorry. But that's why God created spellcheck. I suggest you write your work in Word or some other word processing program which has a built in spell-check... it's as easy as a click.

Anyway, write on, Mike! You clearly have a talent for putting words together!

(btw... I used to know a person by the name of Ned Sacks... any relation?)

[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 06-11-2000).]

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2000-06-11 10:27 AM

I've found this poem in 3 forums so far, so I'm closing this thread. Please don't post the same poem in all the forums. Thanks.

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