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Teen Poetry #3
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I Cry in Vain
| Teen Poetry #3 |
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I Cry in Vain |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Everything's fine My heart is mine Would you be so kind As to say goodbye? My face to the wind My blessings I send I'm on the mend Until the end You walk to the door I stare at the floor Wondering once more What it was I was fighting for Nothing I gain Happiness I feign My tears fall like rain I cry in vain "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Unknown |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lavada Miller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
ssssssssssssssssssssssmokin! Ouch it burned me! This was good sis!  "Life is a game and we have to play, but in the end...we all die."-by me! |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Well done!  I have been gone for a time :{ but it is good to read you again.I have a couple of suggestions if you wish to hear them. The last 2 stanzas have an even rhyme scheme. Each line rhymes in the stanza. I like this and it adds power to this piece. This scheme is missing in the first 2 stanzas. There are also a couple of breaks in the flow of the verses in the last 2 stanzas. E.G. You walk to the door I stare at the floor Wondering once more What it was I was fighting for This is how I would write this stanza: You walk to the door I stare at the floor I wonder once more What I was fighting for? You get the same idea across in fewer words which brings across the feeling with more power {IMHO} What do you think? If you have any questions for me....feel free to e-mail me. |
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm duh ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm wow ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (forgot)ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  well what I really wanted to say is NICE POEM YOU GO GIRL (GO GIRL GET FUNKY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY OH BREAKDANCE YOUCH!!!)  early to rise, early to bed, make a man healthy, but socially dead. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Very beautifully written sweet. I like it just the way it is. This is how you express yourself keep your head up!!! don't let him see you in painI see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
I thought this was really sweet. Cool poem. (P.S I really hate that stupid Ally Mcbeal baby!!!) "He's mastered the art, of looking sincere, his eyes have a way, of making you stay, don't look in the mirror"- Chely Wright |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Hey, I like this one, it's good. Keep writing these great ones!! I liked this stanza (but I did like how Marilyn changed it to, but whatever's ok ): You walk to the door I stare at the floor Wondering once more What it was I was fighting for |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Hey the poem was good. Even though what somebody might says would make the poem flow better, I personally wouldn't change the poem. I would take their advice for FUTURE poems, but in no way would i change the current poem. Well that's just my perspective. good poem!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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curlygurly Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 276USA |
Excellent poem! keep your head up, don't let him know you are in pain otherwise he'll feel some kind of confidence and just remember guys can be mean and one day you will find one that is perfect for you! Curlz "i've kissed the moon a million times, danced with the angels in the sky" enrique iglesias |
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StarPryncess17 Senior Member
since 2000-05-31
Posts 932Colorado |
This was absolutely wonderful!! I loved it!! I think I've been in your boat a few times and can relate...just remember to keep your head up and that you can do much much better! ~*~Jessica~*~ ~*~Being an angel doesn't mean having a halo, it means doing the right thing and wanting to make a difference...~*~ |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Thanks all...Marilyn..I tried to edit my poem, but it wouldn't let me...it said to contact a moderator for help...so could you edit it to where it reads: You walk to the door I stare at the floor Wondering once more What was I fighting for? If you could, I would appreciate it! Thanks all for the replies! I didn't think I'd get that many! "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Unknown |
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