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Teen Poetry #3
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my first atempt to writing a poem! what yea think?
| Teen Poetry #3 |
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my first atempt to writing a poem! what yea think? |
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LiL'Kay Junior Member
since 2000-09-09
Posts 21Canada |
Separation may not hurt you physicaly but its does emotionaly Sepration Breaking us apart, The demons have arived Driping with sin Each tear making them, in you stronger Thoses beedy eyes, not like your own Sitting there watching as we suffer,die Mangled and hurt we lie helpless in a river of sorrow Straped two a little board as we go down the rapids Smashing into rocks each bit of the way Screaming for help, but are mouth lie shut Inside, a tangled disorder of emptyness The last bit of life ripped out and eaten As we reach for eachother To bind the hurt and heal the pain But one is ripped away, I scream Now all alone and the pain times two My best friend, My sister, my cousin Riped out of me as they laugh The echo thrashing through my skull As I cry tears of the purest red Struggling to break free of this cage This evil, this hate Lieing on the ground in a pool of my crys I grow limp, and helpless I fade, I died. LiL'Kay [This message has been edited by LiL'Kay (edited 09-09-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Karlene - All Rights Reserved | |||
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UNC STAR Member
since 2000-06-19
Posts 67Hinesville,Ga,USA |
i like it. really original. keep it up SATR |
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LiL'Kay Junior Member
since 2000-09-09
Posts 21Canada |
Thanx Star will do c u around LiL'Kay |
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evidenceslave New Member
since 2000-09-01
Posts 4forest lake, mn, usa |
okay a few spelling errors were bothering me it's ripped not riped. and i'm not trying to like rip on you or anything but, it detracts from the poem. which, is over all a great piece. "the reasonable person adapts themselves to the world. the unreasonable person tries to adapt the world to themselves. therefore all progress is made |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
 Welcome to Passions This is good, I like it  Keep writing and posting for us! |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Welcome to Passions! This is a great piece. I love your writing style. Does this apply to your own life? If so, I hope writing it helped the pain. Keep up the great work! (PS-check your e-mail)< !signature--> If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a diffrent drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away"-Throeau [This message has been edited by LoveBug (edited 09-09-2000).] |
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LiL'Kay Junior Member
since 2000-09-09
Posts 21Canada |
Thank you lakewalker and good luck to you with your excellent poems!! oh and evidenceslave i fixed those spelling mistakes for you. and yea it actaully happend to me about a week ago. and writing does help thanx lovebug and GOOD LUCk !! to all!! later LiL'Kay [This message has been edited by LiL'Kay (edited 09-09-2000).] |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
 Welcome to Passions I hope that you enjoy it here...Good poem...You expressed yourself very deeply...I cant wait to see more of your work!!! ~*YoU cAn CoMpLaIn CuZ rOsEs HaVe ThOrNs Or ReJoIcE cUz ThOrNs HaVe RoSeS*~ |
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Jose Marti Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 374washing DC |
This was a really nice poem, I liked it a lot. I can feel your suffering almost if it were literal physical pain. |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Good first post. I, too, am anal about spelling. I hate it when I mispell words, and I always correct others... so as I was reading, a few of the words like riped and driped, and I think it should be cries... but anyway, yes, you write very well, keep it up. Jenn |
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