Black Chasm (working title)

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beowulf_26
Member

since 1999-06-29

Posts 183

0 posted 2000-07-30 03:01 AM

Fly high to the sky
won't you come inside to die.
But if I may, if I might,
give you just a little fright?
'Cause in my heart there lies a place
where spectres howl and demons chase,
it is the blackest of the places
any man has ever known.

so I ask you now, yellow tape in tow,
will you let inhibitions go?
Cross the police line, break the law
see that which no other saw,
and listen to my muse.

Bruised is the face of her,
strangly did this blow occur.
For she did laugh at his little joke
and playfully took a poke
that hit too close to home.
Ventured 'cross the line that sent
his anger, sped by wine,
raging hard as stone.

It was just in jest,
none would have guessed
it would be the start of exodus.
Her life would find a close.
Who knows what happened next,
he might have thrown the bottle lest,
he really lose his temper.

Next his backhand struck, such crushing force,
she's reeling backwards throught the door
no more does she vision light,
not a chance for her to fight.

Blacked out, he kicks her down, reveling in
that fleshy sound of murdering one's kin.
Sin draped across the floor, the elixer held
on him no more as he woke lying next to death.
It smiled at him for he had been the consummate
ladies gentleman until that fateful night of terror
where inhibitions fell and spirits rose
and there was heated exchange of blows.

Cause in his heart there lies a place
where spectres howl and demons chase,
it is the blackest of the places,
all men intimately know.

Any suggestions?
(ed) I think I got lie/lay right now.

[This message has been edited by beowulf_26 (edited 07-30-2000).]

lotharingia
Senior Member

since 2000-06-04

Posts 897
saarbruecken, Germany

1 posted 2000-07-30 03:33 AM

Oh wow! This is really fantastic!

If you want suggestions though, I would reconsider the use of "Lay" in he woke "laying next to death", I think lying is the word you want.
Lie, lay, lain. Lay, laid, laid
This is a frequent mistake, I know, and I don't mean to be pedantic, and I’m not implying that I don’t make mistakes, but you did ask

Lotharingia
"Dreams are life, reality, creation" Miguel de Unanumo

Nikolette Sadness

Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 337
port richey fl.

2 posted 2000-07-30 03:36 AM

chilling and exciting....frightning...just like me...i like it

nikolette sadness

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