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Open Poetry #9
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The Cows of Uganda....(no women with delicate natures allowed)
| Open Poetry #9 |
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The Cows of Uganda....(no women with delicate natures allowed) |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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(From my "There's always something to write a poem about" department, This article appeared in a Miami paper today....) Canada's largest private electric company, TransAlta, signed a multi- million-dollar deal with Global Live- stock Group, a U.S. company, to pro- duce a feed supplement that will reduce cow flatulence in Uganda. If successful, a TransAlta spokesman said, the decrease in methane gas - a leading cause of global warming - caused by cows farting and burping will be equivalent to 30 million tons of carbon dioxide.................... The Cows of Uganda TransAlta to the rescue, boys! They're here to save the day By stopping global warming in A very special way. It's those Uganda cows, you see Creating havoc there By flatulating wildly Screwing up the ozone layer!!!  That methane gas they're letting out Is damaging the earth. I always knew Uganda cows Had questionable worth! But flatulation is a way Of "easing" things a bit Like a teapot does whenever It lets steam come out of it. So, without the opportunity Of lightening their load It seems to me Uganda cows Could very well explode! "Hey, Maude! My gawd, girl...look at that! A flying bovine part! Must be those danged Uganda cows That ain't allowed to fart!!" No need to go down to the store.. Just look up at the sky Before long, some Uganda cow part May come flying by! But let's suppose, for argument, That it does work - what then? What if those same dumb scientists Extend the plan - to men??? Life, as we know it to exist, Would simply cease to be If we were not allowed to let One fly occasionally. Some men make it a science.... It's almost Olympic sport! Men pride themselves in knowing They produce a loud retort. Or what about the hunters In the gray of early dawn Who, after 15 cups, can feel A good one coming on? It's a call to Mother Nature As it shatters dawn to bits! (It's also very useful If your duck call's on the fritz.) I'm not for global warming Or the problems it may bring But I curse those darned Uganda cows For starting this whole thing!!!  |
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| © Copyright 2000 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
ROFLMAO---seriously it took me 5 minutes to get through this thing. I couldn't stop laughing and a laugh like that I needed soooooo much. tears in my eyes from laughing so hard I have to say. Thank you thank you thank you so much for making my day. Wonderful way to bring this subject into the light in your not so graceful way.  still lmao |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
You know I love the humour here but I also like the truth that you are bringing to the fore...some things are so ridiculous...only the time taken by a poet can expose some of the sadness that's making me laugh.... some have a lot to do with their time.....great work Balladeer I'm glad you hit on it. |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
TO DAMN FUNNY!!! Isn't it just amazing what we, as humans perceive to be serious problems in this world? Never mind the homelessness, the starvation and ethnic cleansing of the world... we got Ugandan cows with to much gas! What I really think we should be working on is a means of harnessing that gas and building autos that can use it as an alternative fuel source! Now THAT'S productive thinking!  By the way Sir Balladeer... did you ever hear about the Japanese fishing boat that was sunk by a flying cow? Yep... it's true! Bovine Bombardment! Some Russian smugglers were trying to steal a cow by using an airplane... only when they hit some air turbulence the cow became scared and was causing the plane to fly erratically. Rather than crash the plane they forced the cow out the back... several thousand feet later the skydiving bovine and the boat became one. When a Russian patrol boat picked up the distressed crew of the ship and asked what happened, they didn't believe their flying cow story. After spending a week in jail... somebody in the Russian military finally confessed to the cow bombing and the fishermen were set free. Ahhhh life... stranger than fiction! Peace! [This message has been edited by Andrew Scott (edited 08-17-2000).] |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~Grace??? Hhm. What's that? This poem ROX!!! Haaha. Right on! *Peace. *P.S. I needed this tonight! .[This message has been edited by SpitFire (edited 08-17-2000).] |
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ggrn3 Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433Nahunta Georgia U.S. |
Global warming cause by Ugandan cow flatulations. Now that's a laugh. You penned this one very well. A good laugh is what I got. If there is so much methane in Uganda, no one should ever strike a match. Garfield |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Balladeer~ My delicate nature is snickering ! Good God ! You CAN write about anything !  I'm sharing this one with EVERYBODY ! ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
ROFLMAO Oh Lord ... what can I say!?!? Loved this WAY too much! Gotta read it again! Best wishes, /Kit |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Yo are TOO much, Balladeer, nuthin' funnier than a bovine pome! I'll bet that study costs a million bucks, too! Thanks for the laugh! Corinne |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Balladeer, Now that's really starting at the ass hole of the situation. Loved the poem. |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
EEEEEEWWWWWW!!I *THINK* I got a whiff of this -- some time quite recently! This cow news is the essence of strong impropriety! I tried to keep this news which stunk locked tight inside my cellar -- all I can say, my 'deer, is this -- you must be one Fart Smeller! It takes someone who's very Smart to not take news too lightly -- and post the consequences here, so honest and politely... if cows destroy the ozone layer with their flatuation, then, just perhaps, it's time we need a new Administration! I'd vote for *YOU*, most any day, if 'deer, you were still running for President -- You'd be my choice, since we could use some punning! Out with the stinks and odors which are coming from Uganda! A truthful President, I'm sure, could stop this propaganda! __________________________ (you're the Master of humor in rhyme, 'Deer Sir... and this Balladeer verse is a gem! love ya!)< !signature--> ~ all you can really ever expect out of life is a good apology and some decent poetry ~ [This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 08-17-2000).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Mark...I really enjoy making people smile and, call me presumptuous, in you're case I think I succeeded. Thank you for the laughter... ethome...you got it. It's ridiculous that the most ridiculous things are normally real. Glad you enjoyed... Andrew...I like your idea of harnessing it for fuel...and I love your anecdote!!! I hadn't heard of that one. Cracks me up! Thank you, Sir Andrew!!! spitfire..glad I was able to fulfill a need. I thank you, miss ggrn3...I don't think anybody in Uganda can afford cigarettes! Thanks for coming by... Marge...snicker on - and share! Yeah, and like YOU can't write about anything??? HAH!!! Kit...a smile from you is worth much. I'm happy you liked it Corinne...bovine ballads are best!! Glad you enjoyed... Sy...the a**holes were the ones who started it! Thank you, friend.  Doreen... I swear if I am President I will not squander on red cent To stop the spread of flatulation In some small, sad, impoverished nation. The thing I think needs to be done Is stop the farts in Washington!!! Loved your poem....and comments |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
ROFL! This was HILARIOUS!!!! I especially liked the lines about flying cow parts--could just imagine them whizzing by...LOL Elizabeth Why ME??? |
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Sunnyone Member Ascendant
since 2000-07-06
Posts 5334Staffordshire, England |
Balladeer.... You really should get some kind of reward for this one.....it deserves national recognition! All kidding aside, cows really are helping to mess up the ozone, but I think humans are at the top of the list. P.S. I haven't laughed this hard in years!!! Today is a gift.... That is why they call it 'the Present'! |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
ROFL!! Leave it to you to have our sides aching from laughter! It's amazing, but just like a man, to blame it on the cow, or the dog Which ever happens to be around. LOLThis was just priceless Deer....thank for a great laugh |
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Eloise Senior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 1096Wyoming |
Thanks Balladeer. I needed a good laugh after a long hard day. I'm not surprised anymore at just what you can write about. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
So... does this mean that cows really DO fly??? ..... Propelled kinda like a deflatulating baloon?? - OH my dear Deer... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
tis time for laughter and hoping elections everafter keep me coming for the joke e'en then all the folk.... are just that...a hoke... |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Balladeer--this needs a clever response like the others, but I have no clever in me right now...but I am laughting..how is that? |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Balladeer--this needs a clever response like the others, but I have no clever in me right now...but I am laughting..how is that? |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
ball, I have a clever line that I would love to say.......(can't).. Still grinning, I do Love your sense of humor!!! great, fun read.....(can't).. ...wnt too...(can't)...I would be branded for sure..(Won't)! |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
ROTF!!! This is absolutely hillarious! How absurd! And look at you, 'deer...I too believe that you can now write about anything! *Krista Knutson* "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
Wonderful. I was in a bit of a sour mood, but you have managed to put a smile on my face. thanks. |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
okie dokie then......you are Presumptuous........and yes of course you are right. I just came by again to get another laugh but mainly because I forgot to add to my library and file it under tax dollars being put to (good?) use.....still ROFLMAO |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
YEAH LAFF IT ALL OUT OUT WITH THE GAS OUT laff-a-riot... call the riot-police som-e-body... puh-leeeaaaase ----- nice work, balladeer... regards sudhir |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
I don't know why I put off reading this. I think it had something to do with the title. But then I did and found it outrageously funny. These are guys with big salaries that come up with these things. I'm going on a crusade to save Ugandan cows! Liz |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
Just the image this brings to mind...ROTFLMAO [This message has been edited by Paula Finn (edited 08-18-2000).] |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
ROFL  Yep, truth is indeed stranger than fiction! Fun poem, Balladeer!Denise |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
I guess I shouldda figured, You'd be writin' bout your ladies, Flatulating cattle, Your everlovin ladies. Now I find it quite amusin' Your poems are oh so quaint, I miss ya you old bugman, You poet writin' saint. How ya been ya reprobate? How's my friend the sailor? His poetry is second rate, But he's okay for such a failure. Hope ya all are doing well, I'm okay I guess, I ain't been in any trouble, (or none that I'll confess) I'll be back soon to pester you, And Nan and all the rest, Yall take care and think of me, Cuz I really am the best!!! |
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Irie Senior Member
since 1999-12-01
Posts 1493Washington State |
~*Irie must excuse her self to go change her pants*~ Whew, sorry, laughed just a little hard! OH MY GOSH!!!!! ROFLMBO This is too much 'deer! What a way to start my night with a great laugh! Thanks! I do believe I have a friend that just might be casusing MUCH more damage than those danged cows! LOL Maybe we ought enroll him! Thsi was great, thanks........ ~Sheri |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
This is sooooo funny. Even though my delicate ears were dropping off at the thought of sooo much flatulence.Great read. Be well Kethry "It is the image in the mind that links us to lost treasures; but it is the loss that shapes the image, gathers the flowers weaves the garland."- |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I need to pay more attention to the news... though I have the feeling that you did a much more entertaining job of explaining the situation than they did. |
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Fred Hobbs Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 329Tallahassee, Florida, US |
Mike, I saw this one last night but my computer was acting up and I couldn't respond to it. Had to come back today and tell you what a fine job you did on this. What a gas. . .fh |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Hey, um...Mike...um...reckon we could get one of them thar cows for PdV's potty-powered RV? Only drawback would be noone would be able to smoke around that durned thang... |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
'Deer - You are very versatile - that's a well known fact. But, I think you've just joined the crew of the most feared ship of the seas, the "Kitty Kicker." For you to unashamedly blame cows for all the methane, and then to think you'd get away with it! Have you forgotten that many of us have been in your company for longer than five minutes??? C'mon, 'Deer! How could WE forget? hmmm?? Incidently, I really laughed a lot at this poem. Toe - Come back here, ya coward, and take your licks like a man! |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Balladeer, This is hillarious, the funniest thing that I've read in a long time. I have tears coming down my eyes from laughing so hard. Well done. It was a pleasure to stop by. |
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JulieAnn Senior Member
since 2000-06-12
Posts 754Earth 3rd Rock from the sun!! |
LMFAO!!!! this is too funny!!! I just wondered the other day what they would think of next and you have thought of it!!!! Very good... Julie :) |
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rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
Balladeer, I'm still wiping tears from my eyes and my stomach hurts from all of the laughter. I wouldn't have believed someone could write such a delightful piece about cow flatulence! Very well done! You NEED to find a publishing vehicle for this one. The humor grabs you from the first read and the poem's structure is excellent. Kudos! Standing ovation for a job well done. |
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linda munday Member
since 2000-06-17
Posts 315Adelaide, Australia |
It's a call to Mother Nature As it shatters dawn to bits! (It's also very useful If your duck call's on the fritz.) Balladeer, Ha Ha Ha... still laughing Thanks for the good time. Linda M. |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
I showed this to one of my friends during the midst of finals, and she laughed so hard she cried. Thanks for the stress relief! (She said to say hi.) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
 shaking my head I can't believe I missed this. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Oh man I just read this in your poetry book, and laughed so hard. It is worth a re-read for the new poets here, seeing you are sailing a poetry ship at the moment. |
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